The main premise of the book is that our role as parents is not to CONTROL our children. We cannot control another human being, including our children! On one hand it seems obvious to say that but I think most parents operate out of a mind set that says 'I should be able to control my child' and there is a lot of guilt, frustration and anger that comes as a result of that belief. It is possible to lead, guide and instruct our children without resorting to the use of anger and the fear of punishment as the primary tools.
By the way there is someone who we must control, and that is ourselves! One quote that stuck out to me in this book was the statement 'as parents our goal should be remaining a loving respectful parent at all times, no matter what our child does'. Thats a challenging call! We have enough to worry about keeping ourselves under control, let alone trying to force others to do our will. Let's demonstrate the self-control we want to see in them, let's lead by example! (Ouch!!)
This is something I have really been convicted of in the past, but haven't heard it articulated so well. I have understood that as a parent I shouldn't let my children's poor choices, whether it be disobedience or disrespect, ruin my day or my mood. I should remain in control of my emotions and respond to them calmly with suitable consequences, which mean they bear the brunt of their bad choices, not I. They should be learning to do the right thing because they are understanding that THEY choose their actions and therefore their consequences. Its not a matter of them testing the waters, or seeing how much they can get away with on any given day depending how angry mummmy is, or isn't. They should learn to obey not out of fear of my anger or punishment, but out of an understanding of their freedom and the consequneces they create.
My constant battle is being quick and creative with coming up with logical consequences and choices to offer them in the moment. That is the hard part for me. If I can't find a good choice or logical consequence under pressure its very easy to revert to frustration and anger to get my way with them. I am really trying to work out the best way to put this theory into practice with a toddler, as he is not really at the understanding choices that are verbalised (however I think actions can speak louder than words and he is still capable of learning some of these lessons now).
However, a couple successes we have had in recent day with our older two is with the whole room cleaning saga. I am sure we aren't the only ones who battle to get the kids to take responsibility to keep their room tidy! I have had quite a few stressful, frustrated times at trying to motivate my girls to tidy up. With little results. After applying some of the concepts out of this book we have adjusted our appraoch.
After they failed to choose (after being asked to) tidy up one evening before bed, I alerted them to the fact that the next morning there would be no breakfast until the room was clean. It got a reaction straight away, which was good as I knew we had hit the mark!
"Aw! but I will be hungry!! YOU CAN'T do that!" Said Esther with determined defiance.
"Well its up to you, you can eat as soon as you clean the room." I said with great calm.
Oh the awesomeness of this consequence, it was so sweet to see it taking its desired affect. :)
The girls are really hungry in the morning and after some protesting and realising I was unmmoved and the choice was in THEIR hands now; They got to work, got the job done and I didn't get angry OR frustrated! It was sweet to pass over the responsibilty and be able to leave it in their hands and see them stand up to the task.Score!
Last night we did soemthing similar; they could have some dessert, only when their room was tidy. At first Esther sounded as though she would be willing to pass up dessert to continue having free time, but when she saw her sister scurry off to start cleaning, the thought of missing out on dessert while her sister was rewarded was obviously too much! She ran off shortly after. We also set a time limit, 20 minutes. They actually did an AMAZING job! at 13 minutes they had done a very satisfactory clean, but Shane suggested they take the extra few minutes to really finsih it off. they began cleaning UNDER the table in their room!! Unheard of! thats usually where they shove stuff in their tidy up! So impressed. They worked together happily and it was such a great feeling to see them getting the job done without constant hounding. It really was liberating for me, and I hope for them too. I can really see them beginning to take greater pride in their own space, and responsibility for it.
We are also throwing a star chart into the mix, so if they have their room tidy in the morning, of their own volition, WITHOUT being asked, they will get a star. Every 10 starts will be a reward and at the end of 100 stars we are planning to get their room painted. I think that is a logical reward, look after your room, you get a nicer room!
So it's exciting to have a little success and to be able to step back and see the ideas of responsibilty choices and consequences sink in. I don't want to take on board my childrens problems as my problems and allow them to frustrate and stress me out. I want them to learn to take respoinsibilty and the only way to do that is, not nagging, not lecturing- but by giving choices and consequences that make sense and also give them a sense of freedom. No one likes to be forced. I don't think we need to use force. Most of our kids are pretty bright cookies, they will begin to choose wisely pretty quickly given clear and appropriate consequences.
The dangers of parenting by force, anger and fear of punishment is that you only have children obeying outwardly, while inwardly their hearts may be getting bitter and resentful to your forceful control. Once they get older and discover the reality that you REALLY don't have any control over them, they are much more likely to use their newly discovered freedom to make poor choices; ones that will hurt you and them.
We have to learn to let go and teach tehm while they are little how to handle their freedom. After all it is what God made us for. He loves us so much, but he never controls us, never forces us. He offers us choices and clear consequences "I set before you life and death, choose life" (that one seems like a no-brainer but you'd be surprised!) He encourages us with love and compassion to choose wisely. We need to do likewise with our children. Don't be afraid of your children's bad choices. God isn't afraid of yours. He has a plan no matter what we choose and we need to have wisdom to offer the same for our kids. Not reacting out of fear and anger when we realise that we don't really have control, but still grasp for it. Know that you aren't in control already, and teach and guide with that understanding.
It is for freedom tha Christ has set us free,
So we mustn't be heavy handed and controlling with our children, we must teach them to live well in the freedom they have, to use their OWN SELF-CONTROL, as that is what we all must ultimately learn to do. Let's also lead by example by seeking to stay loving and respectful to them at all times. I for one know that I need supernatural help to achieve that one! So glad that I have it.
ps. I wish someone would give me a star chart for keeping my room clean.... ;)
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