I want to get away

Oh dear me. Sometimes I feel like a failure. Some days I feel I am not up to the job. The thought of another 9 hours of daylight is too much to take. Just let me hide. Just let me escape for a few hours of uninterrupted self-indulgent bliss.

You could read my blog and see my photos on Facebook and mistakenly believe life is like the photo filter I put on most of my pictures 'magic hour'. Oh no, believe me its not. Today is one of those days, and inexplicably so. Its hard to pick what makes one day seem amazing and one far from it. I don't see all that is going on behind the scenes. But today I just feel like getting away.

Right now I have. I have a 2 hour leave pass from home. I have escaped to the comforts of McDonalds, where the hot chocolate is cheap and the Wi-Fi flows freely. I kinda feel bad. I feel bad that I just wanted to run away. Should I stay and 'hack it' through one of those days where I feel like I am more likely to lose my temper with my children than embrace those 'character developing' moments? I don't know. But I am grateful for the way of escape.

I have those other moments regularly too, where I feel the strength of God's Spirit flowing through my bones, empowering me to do all those little things with joy that could be so mundane. That causes me to truly delight in my children and enjoy them. Even when they are being difficult. Those days I feel like I can do all that and more; take on the world, pray up a storm, take on the devil himself and intimidate him into submission by my sheer Joie-de-vivre! Ha!

But not today! Today I am a meek little mouse, ready to burst into tears at the slightest reproach, where the thought of cleaning the kitchen, one more time, seems an insurmountable task. Where I would rather run away than stand and fight.

What I hold onto in days like these is that I get to go to sleep tonight and it will be over! Truly. His mercies are new every morning. On days like these I remind myself 'I am not able on my own' (actually listening to a great song by NEEDTOBREATHE with those very words!) as I come face to face with my weakness AGAIN, it reminds me that each day I need to begin by coming to my knees before him (which I failed to do today) and say from the core of my being 'HELP ME! I NEED YOU DESPERETELY!'

He gives grace to the humble, and surely it does take humility to get down on your face and admit that the task of feeding, clothing and looking after your children is a task beyond your self. But it is the truth. We cannot be the mothers we were made to be without the help of the one who created us and formed those very children in our wombs. He knit them together in us. He knit us together, and only he can continue to knit into our very beings all the things we need to not only survive another day, but to THRIVE in it.

It is possible. I have experienced it. Though today is yet another reminder of how much I need supernatural help. My heart surges with gratefulness that help is exactly what is on offer. In the very moments I need it most. In the middle of a nappy change, a sink full of dishes, a tantrum (yours or your childs!) call to him and just see if he won't give grace to you when you ask for it.

Maybe my grace in this moment is the escape afforded me by a generous and kind husband, who likewise understands my weakness and my need for time to piece together my peace of mind. BUt God is there, in the way you most need him and often least expect him, he is loving you and caring for you every minute of your life.

Call to him while he is near.

Perfect Love

Perfect love casts out fear.

I don't know if you have heard this statement before. But it's true. These five words come to mind a lot lately. In many different contexts I find it's a truth that penetrates and challenges me to the core. God has not been welcomed in to those deep places, where doubts and fears still linger and lie.

There's this irrational part of my heart that seems to believe that the moment I totally surrender everything to God, he will take something I love away. More to the point- SOMEONE.

They say becoming a mother is like giving your heart legs and letting it go walk around the world. It's scary because something could happen to that precious little child- and I don't know if my heart could recover.

So we mothers fret and fear and come up with all sorts of strategies to keep these little ones safe. That's good, thats our job, let's minimise the risks. But there is that tendency to shield too much, to obsess and to control.

So many times when Shane takes the kids somewhere, to the park, for a walk, a bike ride. I think about the risks, I make suggestions towards everyone's safety. I fear. I imagine something happening... the unthinkable. Why do these fears haunt me so? I constantly battle fears. I know from the outside I appear as probably about as relaxed and easy going and un-fretful as mothers pretty much get. But I struggle all the time, I have these thoughts, these fears; but I keep them in check. I pray. I let go. I trust... Most of the time.

I know perfect love casts out fear. I want that perfect love. I want to know God's love so deeply, so fully so completely that the fears that lurk in the deepest recesses of my doubts will melt in the heat of his unshakeable love.

But I know that trusting in his love doesn't guarantee a life free from pain and loss, no. Jesus actually PROMISED that we would have trouble!

He said; 'in this world you WILL have trouble',

well, great! Thanks for that revelation...tell me something I DIDN'T know! Well, here it is...

'take heart, I have overcome the world!'

I don't think we fully comprehend this statement or what Jesus did to prove it was so. He literally faced, head on, what would be the greatest fear of any individual or parent. He died a brutal death, though innocent- but which is worse? To die that death, or to be the father watching your son die? God the father and God the son faced our greatest fears for us. Not so we would never face troubles of our own, but so that they could OVERCOME the worst possible outcome for us. Thereby freeing us from the fear of death. The sting is gone. Yes we die. But we have the hope of eternal life! yes there is pain in this life, But thanks to Jesus we have healing too! Love and Life and Healing are more potent than hatred, death and destruction. Most importantly he promised he would always be with us. He will never forsake us, even if others do.

You see! God has the final word! Though so often in this life it looks like the good suffer the most. Injustice abounds. But ITS NOT OVER YET, and he gives us hope in this life. As we trust in a love so powerful that the creator of universes was embodied in flesh, to know what it is like to be limited to a human body, to feel pain, to be betrayed, to suffer loss. What an amazing God, that loved us so much he became one of us!

As I grow to know and love and trust my God and Saviour I find my heart is filled with his love more and more. The fears that held a tight grip on my heart are loosening with each truth that I embrace. This is true freedom; You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free...

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son. that whosoever shall believe in him, will not perish but have everlasting life" John 3:16.

I hope you take him at his word, as I have and am learning to do so more, day by day.