I have been pondering for awhile, what I would next blog about. I have many random, fleeting thoughts and ideas that come in and out of my mind, few of which make it to print (or pixel). There is something that keeps resurfacing though; the challenge of being a successful wife and mum is really what I spend most of my energy on, in thought and action.
I know what I want to be, as a wife and mum. I think we all do. We are well aware of our failures and our limitations. How do we get from here to 'there'? Is it even possible? I know I write a pretty chirpy blog, and I like baking and making my home pretty and having babies. But don't let that fool you! It is a battle.
I was listening to the radio the other morning and a pastor was sharing about his battle with depression. He was saying how everyone battles depression at different levels and varying intensities. I see the truth in this. I have joked that instead of having a year or two of depression in my life I have eeked it out in five minute chunks every morning instead! Even though I joke about it, the battle is real, and it really sucks to feel crap about life, especially first thing in the morning. The sense of being overwhelmed before the day's begun and not even knowing why. I usually shake these feelings pretty quick, but sometimes they linger or they sneak up on me at other times, unexpectedly and I feel hit with this sudden futility. What is the point? and I can't be bothered.
And there are those moments, I have them regularly. Those moments of choosing; meltdown or kneel down. I often opt, foolishly for melt down. But am quickly discovering the secret of success is to be found in the kneeling. Today is a perfect example; I am very overtired (after staying up to watch 'true beauty', i didn't know it was going to be a double episode!) and seeing that Esther is too, I decided to try and enforce proper nap time today... It started off looking very hopeful and I was feeling excited and successful when suddenly it all went south and suddenly I am having a battle of the wills and quickly losing my cool and my self assurance. Other anxieties and frustrations I have been experiencing with parenting all seem to be screaming at me how poor a job I am doing and how out of control we all are. I leave Esther with instructions to stay put, as I go out to the kitchen table where I put my head in my hands and just say 'Oh God! Help me! I don't know what to do, if you are the God of my life then I need you to be the God of this moment, be real for me in the midst of my trivial yet monumental needs. Please.'
That said, I continued on. I didn't really feel or hear anything from God at the time, but as I look back on the afternoon I am truly astounded at how, from that moment, things began going right again. I was able to calmly discipline Esther for her rebellion and the next thing I know I was praising her for her voluntary assistance in cleaning up. Both girls were helping me pick things up and put them away and I put on my music and we sang and had some fun. Not that they were angels all day, I still had some conflicts to sort out and telling-offs to do, but I felt freed from the frustrations that I had recently faced. I didn't drag them with us into the rest of the day. Too often one disappointment or disobedience can get me down and feeling suddenly overwhelmed, then all I feel like doing is having a bit of a cry and maybe a nap! It's a sort of desperation that comes over me.
The truth of the matter is, I really can't do my job well, or even cope, without God's help. We aren't supposed to be able to manage without him, so it should come as no surprise that the resources we have just aren't enough to cut it. We will always fall short. And that goes for EVERYTHING. Every area of life, we will never reach that place we want to get, the full potential we deep down desire to realise.
A friend was asking for tips for losing weight after baby, (I am not yet the poster girl for this but it is flattering that she should ask!) and honestly my answer would be- prayer. I keep praying and asking God for inspiration, motivation and strategies that will work for me. He knows me, he knows my body, he LOVES my body and he has the answers I am looking for. He is helping me every step of the way. Every bit of success I have had, I credit to the empowerment he is bringing me daily. Without God I am a lazy, unfit and inconsistent sweet tooth!! :) I can't maintain motivation for two days in a row! I NEED him and I know it. So I ask for help and he answers- try it!
Life is a journey. But it isn't just a nice little hike through a pretty little forest. This journey that we are on is also a battleground, and most often that battle is waged in our minds. It is a battle we just have to keep fighting; for our sanity, our marriage and our kids- there are no easy answers. I know that I need supernatural help to be the great mum I want to be. Heck! I need help just to cope enough to be able to smile at my husband when he comes through the door. Now THAT is a successful day!
