We used to have date nights. We would leave the house, which we had to ourselves, and go out to be ... together... Using our disposable income to watch movies and eat out, so that we could enjoy some 'quality time together.' Even then I remember thinking 'why do we need to do this again?' I had heard so much about the need for these things called 'date nights'. How vital they were to a healthy marriage and all that. So we were a good newly married couple and were doing the right thing. Even though it did seem a little unnecessary at the time...Because it WAS. I reckon if we had put a $1 in a jar for every time we had a date night BEFORE kids, we would still have plenty of coins left for parking by the time we hit our golden years.Its a mysterious thing those date nights. What you expect, what he expects, how frequently you both want them. Well I could probably just omit HIM from the whole scenario because I am sure if the term 'date night' had never been invented he would be a lot happier. Am I sounding cynical? If I am it's not so much about the reality of married life with four children, it's more that I have become critical about the expectations we put on ourselves and on each other. Maybe we should stop and re-examine the whole deal...
I get it. I get the great 'idea' behind the importance of quality time together. I am into that. But for some reason the whole term 'date-night' I think causes more harm than good. I think its become this pressurised expectation to have these 'dates'. For them to be great and meaningful and building up of the marriage and seriously, half the time they just become fuel for the next argument... Who picks what movie, who is being a martyr by letting the other one pick the movie. Babysitters, getting out on time, feeling frustrated someone isn't ready or enthusiastic enough. Hurt feelings and disappointment after all that EFFORT gone to waste.
I think I am going to become the champion of the unofficial date night. Forget the movies and cafes. I am getting more and more annoyed at the idea we need to go and buy something, consume things - to have a meaningful time together. Spending money just adds to the pressure of it all. And ladies, lets just decide to quit nagging about how little time we spend together and why we don't go on enough dates. Who wants to go on more dates with someone who is nagging you? It's just the wrong approach. I think at some point we just have to LET it go (at least a little bit!). Try a different tactic. Try being fun instead of whiny. I know that I fluctuate between the two, but at least when I am laughing about our hopeless dating life I am not crying about it!
Now I really do think we need to grow our marriages and keep them as a priority. I heard a stat, that certainly rings true; that most marriages end (if they are going to) in the first five years after having children. It's understandable as this is a highly pressurised time in life. You are both likely sleep deprived, which makes everything ten times harder, and the other person is an easy target to blame ANYTHING you aren't happy about on. Let's just stop and think for a moment how much we blame each other for our frustrations and inconveniences.... Yes, a lot. Stop that.
So yes this IS a time in life where it seems like date nights are the answer, but as I pointed out they are fraught with all sorts of silly expectations and let downs and then the inevitable 1am sob session which really messes with your beauty sleep. 'What happened to us?' 'we used to go on dates... we used to have fun...' Yes, before you had children. Now get to bed, it will all look better in the morning (yes even when you have red puffy eyes). Let's just realise that this is a challenging season of married life and, to some degree, you have to bear with it.
Now I am kinda hoping Shane won't read this because I do not want him to think he is really off the hook with the date nights... But he kind of is. I don't really care about going out to the movies or the cafes. I don't want to hassle him any more about it. I just want to have fun with him. In between the child wrangling and working that we do. To stay on the same team. To have the attitude that we are here for each other. We have each other's backs. That we see the best in one another and over look the bad. I can give up the date night but I won't give up the fun. I think we have to fight for fun in our marriages. To stay light-hearted. To choose to let the little things go and SMILE when he comes home, just so he knows you are happy to see him and he is welcome back in. Not that you pretend you are doing well if you aren't, but just don't blame him for your bad days. It's not his fault, it's not your fault. You are in this together and stay side by side. Resist the temptation to become enemies. If our hearts aren't full of kindness to each other, the date night will just become an opportunity to vent all the pent up hurt and frustration. It won't be fun. We need to daily enjoy each other, and this is a conscious choice. If marriage and love came naturally we wouldn't have to commit to it. But we do.
Tonight after the kids went to bed, we decided to play a game of scrabble. As we started I suggested we make the game more interesting by having to compliment each other using the word we just played... :) Shane's first word was 'PEEVE'.... 'I haven't been peeved off at you at all today.' That set me off laughing hysterically (the fact that this is ACTUALLY a compliment?! But hey, I will take it!) and the terrible compliments that we gave each other throughout the night were a great source of merriment ('if were were on a boat with thousands of people, you would still be the best looking'...) Yes our imaginations not at their greatest after 8pm. The game abruptly ended when I accidentally rolled the game into oblivion with some electrical tape... But shane was winning anyway and those compliments were getting a little painfully bad. Seriously, best date night in ages. My advice for equally frustrated date-nighters. Forget the formalities and just have fun. When you do, chalk it up as another successful date. :)
