I would not want to go back in time and learn again the hard lessons that have brought me (and us) to the place we are now. 7 years of marriage baby! We celebrated on July 3 our anniversary. I look back and smile condescendingly on the younger Christy. She was so eager to be married, so excited about the idea of loving another person more than herself. About sacrificing her own will for his. Giving, loving, caring...Yay! Ok, I know this is beginning to sound a tad sarcastic, but bear with me.
On your wedding day the idea of living out 1 Corinthians 13 (THE marriage chapter, it would seem) 'love is patient, love is kind, it is not proud, it does not boast, it does not envy, always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres...' is so appealing! Wow, that is beautiful, poetic, romantic, PERFECT.
That's right, it is PERFECT. However, the number one thing that marriage has taught me thus far is how NOT perfect I am!
What I have discovered is that, it is one thing to love someone when it is lovely, and convenient and mutually beneficial e.g. make a cup of tea for you and him so you can sit down together and enjoy one another's delightful company, or forgive him for running half hour late; 'its ok, honey, I just got caught up on my emails while I waited for you'.
But doing things out of love for a person when it costs you personally. When you have to sacrifice for it. When giving to them doesn't just mean not having something yourself but having something BAD! That, my friend, is where the rubber hits the road. That is what marriage is all about. Let the refining begin.
Take this morning for example. My husband and I are both jet-lagged from travelling across the globe with three small children (crazy? yes!). The last few nights have been somewhat nightmarish (although a nightmare would mean we were actually sleeping...bonus) in the crazy tag-team way the kids wake-ups have been seemingly orchestrated to try and destroy their parents' sanity (they have come narrowly close to succeeding in their mission). Anyhoo, lets just say I REALLY would like to sleep in this morning, and I am really hoping my husband is going to feel overwhelmed with love and the desire to sacrificial bless his wife by getting up with the baby, so she can get the beauty sleep she clearly needs.
I wait.
The baby cries.
I pretend I am asleep. I know I can out-wait him. If he wakes up properly he usually can't go back to sleep...This is what I am hoping for.
Then I hear it. The death knell for my sleep in;
"Can you get up with him please?" I don't think I can flatly refuse his sincere (and needed) request. Oh man, if he had just left it to non-verbal cues I might have won this one. But no. He cut to the chase. I must say yes. It's only right. But everything in me screams for my sleep in!! ITS NOT FAIR! I NEED THIS MORE! I HAVE BEEN THE LAST TO BED EVERY NIGHT! I WAKE UP WITH THE BABY! I.... am so damn selfish! (not usually one to swear, I do think its appropriate as selfishness is to be damned)
So, I reluctantly rise from beneath the covers. Stand like a zombie. Barely able to focus on my crying child. Maybe I will faint from exhaustion? Then he will feel sorry for me!...No luck.
I can force myself to get up, but I can't force my mouth to stay shut! (the tongue is a restless evil, who can tame it?)
"I REALLY DON'T WANT TO" I say angrily as I depart the room, baby in arms.
Wow, that was insightful. Who would've known?! Christy doesn't want to get up in the morning?? In our years of marriage that is certainly something that Shane has learnt and needs no reminding.
My sin nature seemed to slowly simmer down as I became fully conscious. Once awake and enjoying the morning I reflected a little more accurately on reality; as opposed to my sleep induced huff of self-pity. I felt so unfairly treated, to be the one to get up, but the truth was Shane really did need the sleep more than I did. After resettling Hudson at 1:30am, (so I didn't need to), he was wide awake (thanks jet-lag) and couldn't get back to sleep til about 3 or 4am, much to his frustration. Also the previous morning he had gotten up at some ridiculous hour like 5am, taken Hudson for a walk and let me sleep in til well after 9. What part of me thought that it was MORE fair for me to sleep in than him? The selfish part! It clearly has to go!
Sigh... Why isn't it enough? Why do I always want more? I wish I didn't like sleeping so much, that it was easier to get up. That I could jump out of bed and say 'sleep in all day if you like, I will see to the kids, the cooking, the cleaning, the shopping.' But I don't. I struggle to truly give and not demand in return. To love generously, unselfishly, not looking for how things will benefit me. It's easy to focus on the things I feel I am missing out on and fail to see how outrageously blessed I am.
I am grateful to have a husband who loves me, even though he sees me for the selfish, grumpy person I am a lot of the time. He makes me want to be a better wife and mum. He is not perfect, nor should I expect him to be (though gosh, he is pretty close sometimes and good looking to boot!). None of us can fulfill 1 Corinthians 13, no matter how great our desire to is on our wedding day. It is an impossible standard that requires the God of impossibility to fulfill. He wants to empower us to live out his word, his truth and his love and HE CAN, because he is everything we are not and he leads us and loves us PERFECTLY by his example.
I know there is nothing in myself that can make me better, that can change my heart to be loving. But I know the God of love will bring to completion the good work he is doing in me. HE is refining me, oh how I need it!
