It is for freedom.

I am just completing a fantastic parenting book called 'Loving our kids on purpose' by Danny Silk. It's really challenged and excited me in my approach to parenting, so I was keen to share a little of what I have gleaned from the reading of it. It offers quite a paradigm shift.

The main premise of the book is that our role as parents is not to CONTROL our children. We cannot control another human being, including our children! On one hand it seems obvious to say that but I think most parents operate out of a mind set that says 'I should be able to control my child' and there is a lot of guilt, frustration and anger that comes as a result of that belief. It is possible to lead, guide and instruct our children without resorting to the use of anger and the fear of punishment as the primary tools.

By the way there is someone who we must control, and that is ourselves! One quote that stuck out to me in this book was the statement 'as parents our goal should be remaining a loving respectful parent at all times, no matter what our child does'. Thats a challenging call! We have enough to worry about keeping ourselves under control, let alone trying to force others to do our will. Let's demonstrate the self-control we want to see in them, let's lead by example! (Ouch!!)

This is something I have really been convicted of in the past, but haven't heard it articulated so well. I have understood that as a parent I shouldn't let my children's poor choices, whether it be disobedience or disrespect, ruin my day or my mood. I should remain in control of my emotions and respond to them calmly with suitable consequences, which mean they bear the brunt of their bad choices, not I. They should be learning to do the right thing because they are understanding that THEY choose their actions and therefore their consequences. Its not a matter of them testing the waters, or seeing how much they can get away with on any given day depending how angry mummmy is, or isn't. They should learn to obey not out of fear of my anger or punishment, but out of an understanding of their freedom and the consequneces they create.

My constant battle is being quick and creative with coming up with logical consequences and choices to offer them in the moment. That is the hard part for me. If I can't find a good choice or logical consequence under pressure its very easy to revert to frustration and anger to get my way with them. I am really trying to work out the best way to put this theory into practice with a toddler, as he is not really at the understanding choices that are verbalised (however I think actions can speak louder than words and he is still capable of learning some of these lessons now).

However, a couple successes we have had in recent day with our older two is with the whole room cleaning saga. I am sure we aren't the only ones who battle to get the kids to take responsibility to keep their room tidy! I have had quite a few stressful, frustrated times at trying to motivate my girls to tidy up. With little results. After applying some of the concepts out of this book we have adjusted our appraoch.

After they failed to choose (after being asked to) tidy up one evening before bed, I alerted them to the fact that the next morning there would be no breakfast until the room was clean. It got a reaction straight away, which was good as I knew we had hit the mark!
"Aw! but I will be hungry!! YOU CAN'T do that!" Said Esther with determined defiance.
"Well its up to you, you can eat as soon as you clean the room." I said with great calm.
Oh the awesomeness of this consequence, it was so sweet to see it taking its desired affect. :)

The girls are really hungry in the morning and after some protesting and realising I was unmmoved and the choice was in THEIR hands now; They got to work, got the job done and I didn't get angry OR frustrated! It was sweet to pass over the responsibilty and be able to leave it in their hands and see them stand up to the task.Score!

Last night we did soemthing similar; they could have some dessert, only when their room was tidy. At first Esther sounded as though she would be willing to pass up dessert to continue having free time, but when she saw her sister scurry off to start cleaning, the thought of missing out on dessert while her sister was rewarded was obviously too much! She ran off shortly after. We also set a time limit, 20 minutes. They actually did an AMAZING job! at 13 minutes they had done a very satisfactory clean, but Shane suggested they take the extra few minutes to really finsih it off. they began cleaning UNDER the table in their room!! Unheard of! thats usually where they shove stuff in their tidy up! So impressed. They worked together happily and it was such a great feeling to see them getting the job done without constant hounding. It really was liberating for me, and I hope for them too. I can really see them beginning to take greater pride in their own space, and responsibility for it.

We are also throwing a star chart into the mix, so if they have their room tidy in the morning, of their own volition, WITHOUT being asked, they will get a star. Every 10 starts will be a reward and at the end of 100 stars we are planning to get their room painted. I think that is a logical reward, look after your room, you get a nicer room!

So it's exciting to have a little success and to be able to step back and see the ideas of responsibilty choices and consequences sink in. I don't want to take on board my childrens problems as my problems and allow them to frustrate and stress me out. I want them to learn to take respoinsibilty and the only way to do that is, not nagging, not lecturing- but by giving choices and consequences that make sense and also give them a sense of freedom. No one likes to be forced. I don't think we need to use force. Most of our kids are pretty bright cookies, they will begin to choose wisely pretty quickly given clear and appropriate consequences.

The dangers of parenting by force, anger and fear of punishment is that you only have children obeying outwardly, while inwardly their hearts may be getting bitter and resentful to your forceful control. Once they get older and discover the reality that you REALLY don't have any control over them, they are much more likely to use their newly discovered freedom to make poor choices; ones  that will hurt you and them.

We have to learn to let go and teach tehm while they are little how to handle their freedom. After all it is what God made  us for. He loves us so much, but he never controls us, never forces us. He offers us choices and clear consequences "I set before you life and death, choose life" (that one seems like a no-brainer but you'd be surprised!) He encourages us with love and compassion to choose wisely. We need to do likewise with our children. Don't be afraid of your children's bad choices. God isn't afraid of yours. He has a plan no matter what we choose and we need to have wisdom to offer the same for our kids. Not reacting out of fear and anger when we realise that we don't really have control, but still grasp for it. Know that you aren't in control already, and teach and guide with that understanding.

It is for freedom tha Christ has set us free,
So we mustn't be heavy handed and controlling with our children, we must teach them to live well in the freedom they have, to use their OWN SELF-CONTROL, as that is what we all must ultimately learn to do. Let's also lead by example by seeking to stay loving and respectful to them at all times. I for one know that I need supernatural help to achieve that one! So glad that I have it.

ps. I wish someone would give me a star chart for keeping my room clean.... ;)

The more the Merrier (!?)

Well, I am on a bit of a theme here, so I am going to just keep right on going with it! Just yesterday I received a FB message from a lovely mother of two. She has a 'niggling' desire for a third child but is not sure whether or not to take the plunge. She wrote to ask a few of us mums, of three or more, what our thoughts were on transitioning from two- three children and how we could afford it/stay sane/get sleep/have a career etc. etc! I think that it's always an honour and delight to be asked for one's opinion! So, presumptiously presuming that others will also be interested in my thoughts on these matters I thought it would make a good blog post. I would Love to hear thoughts and advice (as I am sure so would my friend) of other mother's of three + children on how they live/cope/survive with their brood!

As far as transitioning from two to three kids, I personally found it probably the easiest so far. I know a lot of people who have found it to be a difficult one though. I was quite apprehensive about becoming a mother, and then I was a little anxious to go from one to two children, but after that I thought; "it worked out and I managed the first two times, with God's help, why should this time be any different  ?" and so I honestly didn't give it much thought and figured I would just roll with the punches. Nothing for it at that point! Turned out Hudson was probably the easiest baby of the lot. He has such a delightful personality and is a good sleeper (though I really have been blessed with great sleepers all round).

Sleep is such a vital need for mother and child and if sleep becomes a struggle for one or both (usually if it's one, it's both!) it can totally alter the scenario. I know for my friend in question she had a very challenging time of it with her first with colic/sleep issues. So I can totally understand hesitation going for a third. However, I have heard from SO many people about how amazing third children are! I don't know what it is but they somehow seem to KNOW they need to not make things too hard for their mums!! Or maybe its the grace of God? Anyway I am SURE there are exceptions to this, but it does seem to be surprisingly common!

Another factor that can make it easier transitioning to three than you might anticipate is your experience. Third time around you have that much more perspective and numerous little strategies that you have already developed for coping! Though sleep might be a problem for another year or so, at least you know what you are in for this time! You have more confidence in your role and I think that definitely helps. Also having older children, though they demand and have their own challenges, can be amazingly helpful with newborns and it is such a blessing for them to learn to care, and be responsible for a younger sibling or two, and it really does enrich their lives, and the entire family.

Career? I am perhaps not a good one to ask about this as I never attempted to juggle both and have been happy (and we've made it work financially) to be at home full time. I am sure many others can offer great thoughts and advice on how they manage both family life and career. No doubt it certainly does become more difficult to manage a career with each child that is added to the family and if it is really important to you to have both I guess it has to be seriously considered. My main advice on this is to make sure you look into the government support you would receive if you were to totally give up your income, as it might surprise you how much support is available, good to do the research there.

Affordability? Pfft! Who says raising kids has to be expensive? Ultimately it's a lifestyle choice and there are so many ways to save, it's really a matter of personal desire how little or much you end up spending. Of course it is going to be more money to have another mouth to feed, but I don't think its as much as the media seems to lead us to believe. A lot of the potential cost is to do with schooling. If private schooling is a high priority for your family it may well be prudent to keep the family smaller. There are so many good public schools out there though. We are really happy so far with our public school experience (ok, we are only in term 2 of Esther's first year, but still! So far, so good!) On the other hand, the more kids you have the more reductions you get on the cost of schooling them, if you do choose private... I believe in most private schools the fourth child is free!! Four for the price of three! Woo! I mean if you are going to have three you might as well have four...Bargain! 

Mental Health?! I really think this is such an important issue for mum's to talk about and understand. I believe this is probably the PRIMARY reason that does hold people back from having more. As important or pressing as financial issues and all that are, I think the biggest question is 'can I mentally/emotionally cope with more children?' and I think it is a really good question to ask. Honestly the answer would have to be; 'I dont know'. None of us really know what we are going to be able to cope with until we are dealing with it, and I think it may be a leap of faith to a degree. Some days I cope, some days I don't. As I look back over the last few years I can see how my capacity has increased (as it had to!) If you struggle in this area it's really good to talk it all over with your partner and maybe even your doctor as you consider 'going to the next level' parenting wise. You need to know the support is there, if you are struggling.

I really don't think I would have coped at all without having God in my life. He really is my source of strength and constant encouragement. Any time I feel like I have failed or am a failure at being a mum, I know he has been there to give me the ability and wisdom I need (not to mention PATIENCE!!) to get back up again. His mercies truly are new every morning and one thing I do know- with him ALL things are possible! For me, I have found this journey of motherhood so exciting because he has taken me from a place of doubting I could even be a mother of one, to realising I can not only be a mum to one, but to (almost!) four!! I have been a pretty pitiful housekeeper for the most part, and had many 'off days' along the way mentally, but through it all I have learnt that as I call out for God's help he ANSWERS me! He helps me at the things I suck at! He helps me to have motivation to do one more task and he is so generous with me to allow me to be the mother of these gorgeous children! Even though he knows that on so many days I am not really up to the task, he still entrusts me with them! It's this knowledge that keeps pushing me onwards and upwards. It is reassuring to know that in my weakness he is strong.

Seriously, I could go on all day about how much God has helped me to be a mum (and a good one I hope!) not just to SURVIVE but to THRIVE! It IS possible. I love the challenge of parenting, of being pushed beyond what I think I am capable of. It hurts but its a good kind of hurt, you know what I mean. My life is being used up for something so worthy. I love it. And if God is gracious enough to allow me to parent more children, if HE thinks I am up to the task? Well, then all other reasons of why I think I shouldn't be, fade into the background.

I love the mystery of the fact that we have this freedom to choose, in a sense, (though not always) when we 'stop' or when we continue to bear children. Yet intertwined into that is the mystery of God's divine will. At the end of the day I reckon, if you desire more children, and you are able, and your partner is in agreement (thats an important part of the equation!!) go for it!!!

When all is said and done and after all the reasons why having another child is impractical, unaffordable, irresponsible and perhaps a little crazy- but if your heart still desires another child to love, all the cons in the world can be outweighed by the single 4kg(or so!) lump of life you hold in your arms. Love has its reasons that reason knows not of. A new member to the family is an ENRICHMENT. I say, 'the more the merrier!'

:) So maybe next post I will switch to a new topic and stop shouting to the world my excitment about having my family enlarged and the great blessing that I believe children (always) are...Then again perhaps not!

Congratulations?!

Before I commence this post in earnest, I must comment on my long absence. It has been too long and for those who are faithful to read this blog, thank you for coming back! Its rather ironic (hopefully the right word to use, sometimes I am not quite sure about that one..) that my last post was called 'Enlarge' about the great blessedness of having children, only to discover shortly after posting, that I am 'with child' once again! And I am once more becoming very much 'enlarged' with every passing day ha ha! I am grateful that I had the revelation that I shared about last post as it has really enabled me to be totally excited and embracing of this little 'surprise' package! For those of you who have been pregnant before and experienced the doldrums that are the first trimester, little else needs to be said about my lack of writing inspiration, so I will cease with unnecessary excuses!!

Its a funny thing, announcing your fourth pregnancy. Its really becoming less common to have a family of four. Two is quite normal and three as well, thats all fine, but four? Well, I think it might be getting a little extreme. It's just interesting to observe different people's reactions to my 'state' the fourth time around. I think there is a hesitancy, a question mark, 'was this planned?' (surely not!). Should I say 'Congratulations'? I don't know...IS it GOOD news? Perhaps not...It's definitely more of a mixed bag this time around.

A friend was telling me how her neigbour dropped in and bad mouthed another neighbour who very irresponsibly was burdening the world with yet another child (her fourth), horrific! I mean, selfishly taken up all those resources in just one family? There should be laws against that.  I find this attitude quite stunningly ignorant. The problem with the world is not a lack of resources but the selfishness and corruption that exists preventing a fair sharing of those resources. I for one intend to do all in my power to raise children who will fight against such trends. I do hope that my children will not merely be 'using up precious resources' but using their gifts, talents, personalities, abilities to seek the good of others and to give justice to those who have had it withheld. I think we could do with a whole lot more of those kinds of people in the world. If your vision for your children is limited to seeing only what resources they will USE UP rather than what they will GIVE BACK, then by all means, dont have any! But perhaps there are people in the world who have a little more hope for the generation to come, the generation they are helping to raise. Yes I believe that I do.

You know what? A new life is ALWAYS good news. I myself have fallen into the trap of doubting this at times, or failing to reflect this reality to others. A friend of mine that was pregnant told me her news in a hesitant, cautious sort of way (due to the fact she had had previous losses). I know she was scared to get her hopes up, scared of another loss. Her cautious announcement caused me to feel hesitant, not wanting to be over-exuberant, wanting to protect her, not wanting to get her too excited, in case- as she feared- she would lose another. I did congratulate her but I was low-key. I realised later that I had hurt her by doing so. By failing to do my part, as her friend, to rejoice in this wonderful good news. I had the opportunity to lift her up and to rejoice, to be one of the first to celebrate this new life. I could have helped her to see in the midst of her fears there was something good at work and she was blessed to be a part of it. Instead, in my own fear, I took my cues from her, reflecting her caution. It's a natural thing to do in many ways, and often that is what we want from our friends, but there are times- when we have the opportunity to herald a new life and to help the mother to embrace the joy of it all. When given this chance, take it with your whole heart and let HIS perfect love cast out all fear.

There are so many reasons to fear, and yes we suffer loss. The grief is hard to bear for those who have lost precious ones before ever having a chance to hold them in their arms. But still, life is GOOD and when it is there, even briefly, let us celebrate it, let us say 'congratualtions' without a hint of caution. And even if the mother is overwhelmed, in tears , not sure how she feels about it (nothing unusual there, or shameful by the way!). How beautiful and how powerful is the role of a friend at moments like these? She can offer perspective and truth- that life is a blessing and to be the carrier of life a great honour, even if you don't feel like it is in that moment. To hear the truth spoken in love can be just what another mother needs to be able to embrace a new life herself.

Here's to new life! :)

(ps. the picture is quite an old one, taken when I was pregnant with Charlotte and Esther was not yet two)