When I was a teenager I dreamed of my future a lot. I wondered what 'big' things I might do, who I would become. I wondered what God had in store for me, my gifts and talents, how my full potential might be realised. I imagined myself accomplishing greatness, serving my King in a grand fashion in a way that would make my life seem full of meaning and purpose.
The years have worn by, and now my days are filled with mothering children. Part of me wonders what happend to my days of youth and the mighty exploits I imagined would fill them?What did I achieve in my youthful zeal? My days of youth are sorely numbered! I kinda wonder, did God NOT need me to accomplish great brilliance? Did I miss something along the way? Is my opportunity for greatness fading as the light of my children's world rises?
I have secretly wondered these things. Secretly chaffed against the limitations my world of parenting has brought upon me. I am one who hates to 'miss out'. I want to be a part of the action, I want to be on the battle lines of this spiritual war, to stand on the watch towers overlooking my generation and hail the coming King. To raise the sword of the Spirit and cut to the heart with His words of truth. Have I missed my chance? Did I fail to obey him at some point in the past? Has he past on my role to another?
These questions have lurked in my mind, unspoken, undisturbed, now and then haunting me with their quiet taunts and fears. But lately I have begun to challenge them. To realise my perspective on reality, not least of all my perspective on what 'greatness' really is, are both fundamentally flawed.
I first became aware of my own private well-kept lies , as it often is, when I heard them echoed by another. You hear it in the question a mother asks as she awaits the birth of her first child. Though excited and elated and terrfied and overjoyed the question lingers...'is this it then? my dreams, my hopes, will they begin to die as this new life begins?' and 'I must sacrifice myself for the sake of my child. They will be first and I will become second'.
It is joked about and playfully(and seriously!) warned 'travel the world first!' 'get to know each other before you have kids' 'establish your career first', 'buy a house, get economically stable'.
Though there is wisdom in some of this advice, not all of us have the luxury of planning when our babies will push their way into existence! And when we have failed to tick of that great list of 'things to do before I become a mother' and discover, sooner than we ever imagined, motherhood is upon us; what then? Those hopes, desires, dreams...what do we do with those things now?
As I pondered on this fear expressed, fear of being unable to DO those things we desire to do, fear that in giving life we will give too much of ourselves I realised I have felt those same things but when spoken aloud I knew it immediately for what it was. A lie.
Yes mothers, we do well to sacrifice our life for another. We lay down our dreams to lift up the dreams of our child. It makes me think of the verse 'unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it can bear no fruit'. In bearing the fruit of the womb something of us as an individual DOES die, but it is not a death that ends buried in the ground! Joy of joys, our 'death' into motherhood is the most remarkable beginning of new life, not only for our child but for US!
Becoming a mother is not the death of dreams and hopes and desires it is the BIRTH of them! IT is the expansion and multiplication of all our hearts desire beginning to take root on this earth in a greater capacity than we COULD DREAM OF! When God blesses us with the privilege of bringing new life into this earth our world is NOT being diminished, it is being EXPANDED!
Though for a time it seems the walls of our world have been reduced; we spend so much time stuck behind those four walls, alone with our offspring wondering if we will make it through the day with sanity intact! But it is in these moments of difficulty of weakness, that our flaws are being exposed, giving us the opportunity, not easily afforded, to understand how deep our need of Him is. Blessed are the poor in spirit as my dear Lord Jesus once said. Being poor in Spirit is not a good thing unless it leads (as it is meant to) to the feet of our creator.
It's time to allow our dreams to grow bigger than they were in the days of our youth. Now they encompass not just us, but our children and our husbands and our community...the World! So let those dreams go, God has bigger and better ones for you. You may find a peek into his wonderful plan as you look into those beautiful little faces that have been given their life through yours.
Dream on!
"Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes." Isaiah 54:1-3
(This blog post is dedicated to Jess and Matt as they welcome little Rupert into the world. Your life just got bigger!! Congratulations xoxo)
3 comments:
Beautiful Christy x
Very well said Christy. It took me a couple of years after my motherhood journey began to fully embrace it. Fully in that I was no longer feeling as though "just" being a mom was not enough. I am now content and full of joy at the privilege of helping to mold three children that God has given to me for a time into Christ followers!
I love that your thoughts often mirror my own. Thanks for sharing. I am feeling very sentimental about the little ball of potential I am raising. She is growing so fast.
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