Oh dear me. Sometimes I feel like a failure. Some days I feel I am not up to the job. The thought of another 9 hours of daylight is too much to take. Just let me hide. Just let me escape for a few hours of uninterrupted self-indulgent bliss.
You could read my blog and see my photos on Facebook and mistakenly believe life is like the photo filter I put on most of my pictures 'magic hour'. Oh no, believe me its not. Today is one of those days, and inexplicably so. Its hard to pick what makes one day seem amazing and one far from it. I don't see all that is going on behind the scenes. But today I just feel like getting away.
Right now I have. I have a 2 hour leave pass from home. I have escaped to the comforts of McDonalds, where the hot chocolate is cheap and the Wi-Fi flows freely. I kinda feel bad. I feel bad that I just wanted to run away. Should I stay and 'hack it' through one of those days where I feel like I am more likely to lose my temper with my children than embrace those 'character developing' moments? I don't know. But I am grateful for the way of escape.
I have those other moments regularly too, where I feel the strength of God's Spirit flowing through my bones, empowering me to do all those little things with joy that could be so mundane. That causes me to truly delight in my children and enjoy them. Even when they are being difficult. Those days I feel like I can do all that and more; take on the world, pray up a storm, take on the devil himself and intimidate him into submission by my sheer Joie-de-vivre! Ha!
But not today! Today I am a meek little mouse, ready to burst into tears at the slightest reproach, where the thought of cleaning the kitchen, one more time, seems an insurmountable task. Where I would rather run away than stand and fight.
What I hold onto in days like these is that I get to go to sleep tonight and it will be over! Truly. His mercies are new every morning. On days like these I remind myself 'I am not able on my own' (actually listening to a great song by NEEDTOBREATHE with those very words!) as I come face to face with my weakness AGAIN, it reminds me that each day I need to begin by coming to my knees before him (which I failed to do today) and say from the core of my being 'HELP ME! I NEED YOU DESPERETELY!'
He gives grace to the humble, and surely it does take humility to get down on your face and admit that the task of feeding, clothing and looking after your children is a task beyond your self. But it is the truth. We cannot be the mothers we were made to be without the help of the one who created us and formed those very children in our wombs. He knit them together in us. He knit us together, and only he can continue to knit into our very beings all the things we need to not only survive another day, but to THRIVE in it.
It is possible. I have experienced it. Though today is yet another reminder of how much I need supernatural help. My heart surges with gratefulness that help is exactly what is on offer. In the very moments I need it most. In the middle of a nappy change, a sink full of dishes, a tantrum (yours or your childs!) call to him and just see if he won't give grace to you when you ask for it.
Maybe my grace in this moment is the escape afforded me by a generous and kind husband, who likewise understands my weakness and my need for time to piece together my peace of mind. BUt God is there, in the way you most need him and often least expect him, he is loving you and caring for you every minute of your life.
Call to him while he is near.
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