Monday

A crisis transport arose Sunday night. Shane realized there was going to be more kids than seats on the bus to head out to his school camp. He needed to take the car. Monday through Thursday I would be car-less and on my own with the three littlies...Eeek! Shane kissed us all goodbye bright and early Monday morning and I braced myself for the week ahead. Hudson was still sleeping as I lay in bed putting off the inevitable 'rise and shine'. I could see Esther through the gap in the doorway, sitting in the recliner watching a movie, thanks to Shane. The next part was a bit of a blur as I got the girls dressed (actually Char stayed in her pyjamas!) fed, and shod. Esther got her back pack and library bag and I scooped Hudson up last minute, popping him into the baby sling where he remained asleep a little longer. Out the door we go, the girls walking and Hudson happy in the sling.

For some reason preschool is absolutely freezing cold in the morning. I guess its not for 'some reason', the reason clearly is because they have the air-con cranked first thing in the morning. Glad Hudson has a warm place to snuggle, usually I am worried about him getting too hot. Esther changes her library book, we say goodbye, she is happy and I head back home with Char in tow. Hudson needs his morning feed so when we get back I set Char up in front of the TV. It's Yo Gabba Gabba, thank you DJ Lance, Foofa, Luna and the other crazy critters on that truly bizarre show for entertaining my children! Hudson finishes his feed and when Yo Gabba is over we head outside for a bit of play time. Char and I get out the boats and play with our 'water play' toys. She is getting quite into it and talking to herself and the little sailors as she moves them around on the boats. After playing for a little while with her I go and get a snack for Charlotte. The phone rings, its Aunty Helen getting back to me, offering assistance to do a few real estate errands that must happen today, being carless I am in great need of her help! The plan is to come over after Esther's preschool, she'll watch the kids and Uncle Norm will chauffeur me to town to drop off keys from our old place and the condition report for our new one. Bad phone reception and Hudson crying made it a little difficult to communicate but we got there-LIFESAVERS!

I am carrying Hudson around, trying to get him to calm down, unusually cranky this morning. Char finishes her snack and continues to potter around happily. I somehow manage a phone call in there with mum and dad, again with poor reception I had to go outside, cradling Hudson in my arms and the phone under my chin. I give them the latest on whats happening and then say goodbye. After chatting to Mum and Dad, Hudson is almost asleep, I am busting for the toilet. The phone rings; a friend, trying to help me organise getting to a 4 year old party that afternoon, being without a car, I said we wouldn't be able to make it, but not many are invited so they are keen to get us all there, a challenge when three need car seats... I put Hudson down and he starts crying. I am struggling for reception, ignoring his cries I go outside in an attempt to get a better signal. Do my best to end the conversation quickly and return inside to Hudson, still crying. I calm him down and place him on his tummy. Back to check on Charlotte. I am only half heartedly toilet training but, she is asking to go so off we go! I take off her nappy and a poo falls on the floor...Hmmm...Ok. Chuck Char in the shower and clean the toilet floor. Put on a load of washing. I can hear Hudson crying...Char is very happy playing with the bath toys in the shower. I need to make another call, organising transport for the afternoon. OK, its all sorted. Now its 10.30, time to get Char dried and redressed, Hudson has settled but he only has half hour til it is time to pick up Esther from preschool....

So this all happened about three weeks ago. I started writing it the next day but wasn't able to finish. Our internet is ridiculously slow so I havne't bothered since. I took notes on the events of the day because I knew I would quickly forget, but I thought it would be an amusing record, sort of encapsualting a little taste of my life juggling the three kiddies. It is amazing how the days events, which are so all consuming at the time, can be forgotten almost completely in a matter of days! Try and think back a week and get any semblance of what you did and its a lost cause! Quickly the days pass and the seasons change. The challenge of today is drowned out by the demands of tomorrow.

Actually I don't know how accurate an account it is in the end, because the notes were quickly taken and brief, and I cannot remember what happened now I did fill in the blanks a bit... But it is pretty close! Mums out there I encourage you to do this one day, maybe on a day that has been particularly stressful or full of tantrums! It will seem an utter chore to do it, but force yourself! Sit down and type up the events of the day, all the little dramas, the hugs, the fights, the laughter, the accidents and the mayhem. Write down what happens in just one day and I think you will find it a positive reflection on how much you actually get done in a day (or not!), but most of all it will be something you will read again later, barely remembering what it was like to live your life as it is today. Your kids will love it too, one day reading about the goings on in a day to day running of the household. It's funny what seems so humdrum today it doesn't seem worth notating, in a few years time will be precious memories that would have been lost otherwise. Its a beautiful to record to have, if you don't have the energy to write an epistle, even just notes in the daily diary are good. We might cry about it today, but it may bring much merriment to the readers tomorrow.

...All my needs

Oh my! 'Baby Jack' has arrived and is already six weeks old. What a glorious gift; a son. Shane and I shed tears of joy as our little bundle emerged, crying and a little bit bothered from a somewhat traumatic birthing experiencing, resulting in alternate means of exiting his mother's womb. I am grateful for modern medicine (oh man, why didn't I get an epidural for the first two??!!) and to be safely on this side of my third pregnancy, and even more grateful that now I am a mother to a son and he is a darling little thing, sweet Hudson.

The past few months have been very blessed, watching our little boy begin to put on weight (he started life a healthy 9lb2oz) and adjust physically, mentally, emotionally post cesarean, as well as getting used to this whole 'family of five' thing. We defied physics in getting three, secure seats for our children in the back of our Daihatsu Pyzar. It really is a big little car, I think we prove that. Bit tough on our poor visitors who are now relegated to the boot...You think I'm joking? (sorry for the indignities Linc and Di!) The girls have taken to their little brother beautifully, constantly begging for holds and peppering him kisses whenever they can get close enough! Esther is the responsible big sister, very helpful fetching nappies and towels for whenever he 'spills his milk'. Charlotte is equally doting, and only her insatiable desire to play at being a baby gives any indication that there might be a teeny bit of sibling jealousy. It must be tough to lose your place as the baby in the family, but they have both done amazing.

We got the final word the day Hudson was born that we would need to be vacating our current house by the end of July. Sigh. This was not welcome news. Our home at the present time meets our needs quite well, being 100m from Shane's work, it makes having 1 car very doable. Its a three bedroom place with a large living area that accomodates our bible study quite nicely on a Monday night. Plus, we are leaving the NT at the end of the year, possibly for good. We only have 4 months or so left and it seems kinda pointless and frustrating to have to move house only to move again in such a short time. Sigh.

Praise God! He works ALL things to the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose (Rom 8:28). Shane and I qualify for the fulfillment of this promise and its so wonderful to watch how God looks after us and meets all our needs. As it turns out, a work mate of Shane's is unexpectedly leaving the state as her husband is being transferred. They are breaking their lease, and we were able to get in and take it over from them. Win win. It's a bit further from school for Shane, but it is 4 houses away from what is now Esther's preschool.

(Mmhm, my baby girl has started preschool!! But that is another blog...) Being in walking distance to a good preschool was top of my wish list for a new home and this place exceeds expectations! Also the house really is lovely with a FANTASTIC kitchen! Yay! Get ready for more cooking blogs as my new location will be a great source of inspiration in itself. Being ground level with a great outdoor area is another big plus in my books. So, as inconvenient as this whole move was initially its turning out to be a blessing in disguise and I think we will really enjoy our new home as we finish up our time in Darwin. (Did I mention I LOVE the kitchen?! YAY!)

The Rayner family really has had a big year of transition and change and a few bumpy bits on the road this year (e.g. Shane's shoulder operation = 8 weeks off work), but it really has been a rich year of growth spiritually as we call out to God for help and watch him respond to his children in need, a with love and generosity that we don't deserve. I must take this opportunity to also express my thanks to God and our family for their support over the last few months. Having mum and dad here for the last few weeks of pregnancy prevented me from going INSANE! And, having Di, my lovely mother-in-law here for two weeks was also a god-send in getting the house prepped for moving, having a garage sale and generally being a helpful and loving Mum and Grandma. Her presence made life sooo much less stressful for me as I adjust to juggling all three, with Shane back to work.

God knows our needs and meets them. His love never fails. We have such a loving and generous heavenly Father. Rejoice when circumstances don't go as planned, it is an opportunity to experience the providence of our Daddy in heaven. Thank You!

"He did not spare his own Son but surrendered him for us all; and with this gift how can he fail to lavish upon us all he has to give?" Romans 8:32

Birth Pangs

Each day I look at the birthday calendar that hangs on the back of the toilet door. Birthdays of friends and family. The day, the moment they came into this world forever etched in their history. Their day, planned and foreordained by our creator; immovable, unchangeable... And so I stare and wonder about what God already knows, what is already planned. The day and the moment, he has gone before and chosen. I watch and wait, which blank space will become a sacred one. Which day, previously passed by uneventfully, will become a day of celebration for a new life, dearly loved? Baby, we look forward to your arrival and trust the timing will be perfect.

It is a strange headspace to occupy. Only others who have been there can truly appreciate it. Nine months pregnant and waiting...Swelled with expectancy, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Enlarged in body and heart to receive a new life. You wait, on the precipice of a new season. It is imminent, and yet... It feels so far away. Each day is approached with the question 'will today be the day?' Hopeful and a little anxious, often uncomfortable and irritable...When will the day come? I find it bizarre to be so close to an event that is surely the epitome of the 'inevitable' and yet feel it is further from attaining than it ever has. So hard to see past the discomfort of today, to the joy of tomorrow.

I reflect on the spiritual parallels of this state (it does help pass the time!) Jesus likens the days preceding his return to 'birth pangs'. We don't know the hour of his return, but we know the season. Just as we don't know the day we will give birth, but surely the signs that the 'hour is near' are glaringly obvious. Though I think we are far thicker when it comes to discerning seasons that are spiritual. Look around the world today, surely we are in the season when his return is imminent? It would be foolish to ignore 'the signs of the times'. 'All creation groans as if in the pangs of childbirth'. The earth is groaning, we cannot go on like this indefinitely, something will happen. It is as inevitable as childbirth...

Autumn baking

Autumn, the weather cools, the leaves change, rain comes and things begin to get cosy again... Autumn; wishful thinking!!
If you aren't familiar with what the climate is like here in Darwin, allow me to enlighten you. According to the Bureau of Meteorology; the average temperature at 9am, throughout the month of April, is 27.4c and the relative humidity is 74%. At 3pm the average temperature is 31.8c and the relative humidity is 52%(the overnight average temperature is 24c). The day starts warm and sticky and gets warmer, and SLIGHTLY less sticky by the afternoon. At this time of year everyone is hanging out for the dry season, which is due to bring relief in May.

We don't really experience four seasons here. It really is more of an endless summer, the changes that occur in the weather are more to do with fluctuating humidity than temperatures. Our 'winter' is defined by clear, sunny days and cool nights where relief from intense humidity is enjoyed. 'Summer'= very high humidity, very steamy, sticky day and nights- relief is found only during the monsoonal downpours which may last a week or more. During a monsoon it's still tank-top weather but the lack of sunlight brings the temperature down considerably, allowing the air-cons to work more efficiently and perhaps even relieved of duty (the fans are still going full bore of course!).

It is a unique climate. One that many people struggle to live with, including myself- a self confessed lover of winter (how did I end up here?!). Despite its intensity there are things that you come to appreciate, even love about life in Darwin's 'forever summer'. The rains, the amazing wildlife, amazing green everywhere, long guilt-free showers (yes, no water restrictions here!), never having cold feet, never having to take a jumper with you 'just in case', phenomenal cloud formations, sunsets and thunderstorms. A change in the weather, when it comes, is like the very kiss of heaven and you can hardly imagine appreciating anything more.

I do TRY to be a happy camper, and focus on the blessings- of which there are many. I have to say I am EXTREMELY grateful to have a house fully air-conditioned, after nearly 5 years of only having the bedrooms climate controlled, (and fairly poorly at that) to be able to keep the whole house comfortably cool is bliss! It has meant that my culinary creativity is unleashed more frequently as I am no longer so concerned about the oven's affect on the household temperature.

That said, I am slowly coming around to my point which is; autumn baking. No, I don't get to experience traditionally autumn weather, like so many of you lucky ducks out there! I hear your facebook posts about stoking up the fires, getting out the flannelette sheets, enjoying the cool nights and fine days, sigh... BUT I can still whack on the air-cons and cook up an autumnal feast and enjoy it as heartily as anyone warming their toes-ies by the fire! We still get to enjoy the seasonal low prices on stone fruit. Oh how I love stone fruit! Peaches and nectarines cooked til tender in butter and brown sugar and dolloped with cream- YUM! Even the most bland tasting fruit is transformed into something amazing by this process. However, my absolute favourite dessert of the moment would have to be; Plum and Pecan crumble. A Nigella recipe of course! This is a perfect way to celebrate and savour the autumn weather (whatever the weather might be for you!). You must try this recipe! I have made it about 5 times now, it is so easy and so delicious I had to share it with you all.

FILLING
approx 1 kg plums
30g butter
2-4 tablespoons brown sugar/demerara (depending how sour fruit is)
1 tablespoon of corn flour

CRUMBLE TOPPING
150g cold butter diced
250g self-raising flour
150g demerara sugar (look, its there on the sugar shelf somewhere! I found it!)
200g pecans, roughly chopped (even left whole is good)

20cm round pie dish

Preheat oven to 190c. Halve the plums and put them, cut side up in the dish, squeeze in as many as will fit comfortably. Dot with butter, sprinkle with sugar, sprinkle corn flour over as well (to help soak up juices). Put the plums in the oven for about 20mins as they need a head start to be cooked properly. While the plums cook, start the crumble; Rub the butter into the flour with your fingers, you want the butter rubbed in creating nice pebbles of mixture, lumpy is good! Now stir the sugar and pecans in with a fork. When the plums are softened, pull them out and sprinkle over crumble mixture and put back in the oven to cook until the top is nicely browned.
serve with custard, cream or ice-cream (or maybe all three?)
I made a nice whipped cream with vanilla extract, a tablespoon of caster sugar and a teaspoon of cinnamon. Mmmm!

Try it and tell me what you think! Happy Autumn baking!

Cooking with kids

I love baking! I have always enjoyed the process of putting together a bunch of random ingredients and then, after a brief spell in the oven, to receive the delightful fruits of my labour; it is such a joy, and so yummy! I am grateful that my parents allowed me many adventures in the kitchen from quite a young age. My creativity in the kitchen loved to roam free. Yes, there were times this creativity was barred from being released due to my habit of not cleaning up very well, some things haven't changed! (fortunately now no one can stop me! And I am getting better at the cleaning part) but all in all I was pretty lucky to have the freedom they gave me.

Now that I have children of my own I have the delightful experience of sharing my love of baking with them. It certainly seems to come pretty naturally in this family. Both of my girls LOVE helping me in the kitchen and it is all I can do to stop them from pulling up a chair and reaching for the aprons any time I am preparing something! I try to include them as much as possible, but for this to be successful it takes a little bit of organisation. Hands are washed, aprons are put on (Carla made them the cutest little aprons, sooo adorable!) I try and get all the ingredients up on the counter before I call them over as this prevents me from having to leave the bench during the process, CLOSE supervision is required at all times!

Yesterday we made cookies. The girls had a chair each, aproned up and enthusiastic. Esther took responsibility for the stirring while Charlotte got to tip in the ingredients, one by one as I measured them up. It's great fun watching them as they do enjoy it so much. If you haven't braved cooking with your little ones I encourage you to try it. Yes it is messy, but you know, just clean up afterwards! Great practice for team work (if you have more than one) giving them each a little job to do works well I have found. Your product won't be achieving high standards for hygiene if your kids have the same irresistible urge to 'taste' the mixture constantly as mine do! Esther seems to enjoy even the taste of raw egg, anything is pleasurable out of the mixing bowl- apparently. As much as I tell her 'it doesn't taste good' she appears to be deaf to my pleas to reason.

I think my favourite part of baking is the egg cracking. For this I say 'JUST DO IT' let them have a crack (pardon the pun!) ! What's the worst that can happen? Egg all over the floor? Well, yes, that has happened a couple of times to me, but it is so hilariously liberating to let a toddler have a go at this that I think it is worth it. And you know what? They do learn from their mistakes. Esther is an AMAZING egg cracker for a three year old! I have to say I am very proud of her abilities in this area. She always goes for the opposite side of the bowl and keeps the egg inside as she does it, very careful, more so than me, rarely ANY shell gets in the mix. The first time I let her do it, she had to hit it so many times before finally getting a small crack and then she more or less squeezed the egg out (and then i picked out all the shell!). Another time, in the early days of our cooking together, she cracked the egg on the outside edge of the bowl and the egg came out and slid down the bowl and straight onto the floor! I didn't get angry with her, it was an accident, but she was a bit put off by this experience and the next few times didn't even want to try it again, which I was happy to oblige with. I think she watched me and when she was willing to try again she did brilliantly!

Oh the joys of cooking! It really is a fun learning curve for both the girls and I. The more I do it the less of a hassle it becomes and it is really rewarding watching them both learn and grow in their understanding of cooking and all the other skills that go with it, not to mention the working together and sharing as we go. So I hope I have inspired you to give it a go or keep going with it if you already have and have thought it 'too much hassle'. And if you want some cute aprons for the kiddies to wear I might just know someone who can make them to order.

Happy cooking!

Pregnancy

I am pregnant with baby number 3. It is such a blessing to have two lovely, healthy children and to know another one is on the way. It's such an enormous privilege to carry new life into the world, I really cannot get my head around it. Considering what an awesome gift it is, it's surprising how often it is seen as more of a burden than a blessing. I have found that it is very easy to become overwhelmed by all of the demands that are on me as a Mother of two young children already, add to that the hormones, the exhaustion, the weight gain, the bad skin, the stretch marks, the nausea, the feeling ugly and fat and a million other bizarre things that can afflict you as the bearer of new life... and well...it feels a little less than the inspiring and wondrous experience I know deep down that it really is.

I have been reflecting on this lately; in particular the whole issue of weight gain and body image and how that affects how we see ourselves when pregnant. Almost all of the time when I see a pregnant woman, I think 'how incredible, how beautiful' there is something so fascinating about seeing a woman who is carrying a life inside of her that I think everyone is drawn to look. I notice people looking at me and I know I do the same when a pregnant woman goes by. Even after being pregnant three times myself I am still amazed by seeing it happening to others, in fact I probably find it more captivating than ever. The image of a mother-to-be is really quite spectacular, and I think it is also an amazing reminder of the wondrous fact that Jesus himself came into the world this way- through the womb of a woman. Immanuel, God with us. Life and birth are glorious and as women we are truly blessed to have such an active role in it.

However, this privilege is not without suffering (as we know full well!)- but I have found the suffering I have gone through to bear children has also been a gift. It reminds me that to bring us spiritual life, God suffered greatly. Our pain in labour is a small picture of what he has gone through to bear spiritual children. When I reflect on the fact that God likened the pain of bringing forth spiritual children to that of physical labour I am awed and humbled. I have never experienced pain like I have in child birth and if that is just a glimpse, how great was his pain for us? I consider it an honour to have even that glimpse of what he went through- and to have the joy of children afterward, to know that it is not a gift lightly given, nor should it be lightly received. It is a responsibility of the greatest magnitude. I think the 9 months of carrying a child and then the hours of pain to birth them, are a very sobering introduction to parenting! Not to be taken lightly or for granted!

All this wonder, responsibility and blessing and yet I still get bogged down in worrying about my weight. As each month progresses and my thighs thicken at an alarming rate. The back of which i glimpsed in a mirror, bringing with it pangs of horror!!! It didn't help that the bathroom was stunningly lit with fluro lighting making my skin look terribly pasty and showing up every flaw, dent and blemish! Ah! Why is it that we are so bound by the image of the ideal woman? It haunts us at every turn. You would hope that at least for pregnancy we would be relieved of that pressure to be perfect, but it torments us still. The comparisons of slim pregnant women are out there to remind us 'some people can do it, why can't you?' 'Look how quickly she lost weight!' ' You would never even know she has had 4 children!!'

Our culture is cruel to women. Always just out of reach is that image, always the opposite of what we are, always poised to critique and condemn. I desire to be emancipated from this force that never allows me to rest and to accept myself for who I am and where I am at. I really believe satan is trying to steal the joy of pregnancy from us, the wonder of the experience by filling our mind with the things we aren't and should be. The stress and worry of how to lose the weight, get back to 'normal' that becomes the goal. I think it is important to be healthy, to eat well and exercise, but I don't believe we should be ruled by the pressure to be 'slim' or that if for a season we are not the ideal weight, to not be allowed to enjoy life, or be thankful for our bodies.

I don't like seeing myself gain weight, but when I focus on what my body is doing and how through this season a whole new person will join this world, fluctuating weight is a small price to pay. I hope I can begin to see myself as I see other pregnant women- as incredible, beautiful bearers of new life- whatever their weight. I hope if you are pregnant now you feel encouraged to do the same.

(ps. the unimpressed look in the photo is due to the fact that my mum told me to suck my butt in for the photo...thanks mum, case in point!)

Judge not...

It has been far too long since I blogged last. If thinkign about it was good enough I would have half a dozen entries in the time that has lapsed since I last wrote. Life has been pretty busy with friends and family staying a trip interstate and then of course we got rid of the internet which eliminates my late night blogging spells, which almost eliminates my blogging altogether! But where there is a will there is a way and I WILL!

I have been thinking a lot about the issue of judgement. Heck I know I am as guilty as Hezbollah when it comes to judging others. I am sure not that long ago I prayed something like asking God to humble me...It's funny how you can make judgements about people, which at the heart of it all really say 'I am better than you'. That's what judgement is isn't it? We think we have a right to judge because we are in fact 'better' than the person in question. If we didn't, we probably would keep quiet. But we think we are better and that gives us a right to poin the finger and criticise others on quite a range of issues- there really are no bounds to the ways we can judge another. We are a better cook, a better cleaner, a better wife, a better artist, more fit, more beautiful, skinnier! That reminds me of a funny admission a friend once made to me. She was (and still is) quite a slender thing and she secretly confessed that when faced with other women that she feels inferior too, or intimidated by she says to herself, 'well, I'm skinnier!' I thought that was quite hilarious, but also sad and true. That is what we do, we find something in ourself that we think is quite great and praise worthy and then go about comparing ourselves to others based on our best points. How foolish.

I do this. I have this smugness sometimes, its really quite ugly when I think about it. I sit in a lofty place of judgement and make comparisons, usually only in my head, but the end conclusion is ultimately 'I am better'. Why do I do it? I guess in the end it is because I don't really believe I am better, but I am afraid of what I am not, I am insecure not fully confident in who God has made me and so I find this need to compare and contrast myself to feel better about who I am.

God doesn't like this. In my request to be humbled this is the area in me which he began to target. People who I was quietly and confidently sure that 'I was better' than in numerous ways (how awful it sounds when typed in black and white!) were found to be, in actual fact the opposite. Assumptions I had made on unfair judgements and a lack of love were revealed to be quite false on my part. I realised that the people in question were exemplary in a number of areas where I was lacking. I found myself in a situation where I thought I would have 'a lot to offer them' that it was quite the other way around. I found myself learning and growing in a suprising way. It was humble pie for me and it actually tasted good!

I am learning to be more gracious to others, keen to see their best attributes, to encourage and lift them up. Not to look for areas that I am 'better' than. We all have strengths and weaknesses and we needn't be intimidated by those who have strengths where we are weak or to be in judgement of those who have weaknesses where we are strong. If we always compare our strengths to others weaknesses, of course we will always come out looking great in our own eyes. But that is hardly fair, it is a twisted view of reality. It is a log in our own eye as we try and pluck the speck of dust from another.

No area is more tempting to judge another on than the area of parenting. Don't do it. We see people in the shops with kids that are out of control and think 'man, they are wild! Get them under control!' But hello, maybe next week it will be you, out having a bad day. We all have bad days and hate to think people judge all of our parenting on one tantrum. Let's be merciful to each other. Mums, I am talking to you! In our insecurity of wanting to be great mums, it is easy to pick on those that are struggling, to compare and feel better. Love, pray and encourage those that are struggling, keep your tongue from sharing someone else' struggle or disgrace. If you see them battling- don't talk about it with someone else, pray! Do unto others as you want them to do unto you! This is basics for us that call Jesus Lord, this is one of the ways we can live it out. Hold back your judgement, remember 'the measure you use to judge others will be the measures used to judge you.' Keep your hearts, thoughts and tongue in check, only God knows the whole story, realise we only see a small part of others lives. God sees all, make his opinion the one you are valuing, not your own, not others. He is the ultimate judge, and his judgements are just. Praise God!