Baby makes 6

I wrote a post early this year entitled 'Enlarge' on this blog. I had been contemplating how miraculous it is to have children, what a blessing it is, yet our culture most often views children as a burden, a limitation. Of course there are limits that come with children, and burdens, but I realised how tragic it is when we get stuck at that point of understanding. If we fail to see how incredible new life is and how blessed the one is who brings that life into and up in this world. I had a revelation of this and hence wrote that post, little did I know what God and his sneaky sense of humour were up to. Shortly after writing that post I discovered 'surprise'! we are expecting child number 4!! I had always claimed the ambition of having four children. However, after having two girls and a little boy, it seemed that we had such a delightful little family and I felt very satisfied and was coming to the point of reckoning we had reached our full 'quiver'. I was pretty close to calling it quits on the baby game, but as often is the case- 'man makes his plans, but God directs his steps' (Proverbs 16:9) and I LOVE that he does because his plans are monumentally better than my own.

And so, we welcomed Zipporah Pearl into the world on November 7th 2012. Wow. She is an incredible blessing.

I surprised myself with how quickly I went from 'pretty sure I am done having kids' to 'Weeeeeeee, i get to have another one!!' I really was almost instantly ecstatic with the idea. For some strange reason a lot of that was tied up with the fact that it was a bit of a surprise to get pregnant. For me there was something absolutely wonderful about having the planning taken out of my hands. It made me feel affirmed in my mothering (that God saw fit to give us another child) and was so freeing in a way to know that I really don't control these things. There is somethign so wonderful about giving your life over to God and allowing him to direct your course. Since becoming pregnant with Zipporah, its like the floodgates have opened in my heart. Ok, floodgates might be a little dramatic... BUT, I just feel so overwhelmed with the privilege and joy it is to have children and be a mother. I feel so RICH! I also feel determined to stand against the cultural tide of opinion that would speak of parenting as a burden, as a taking-away of our own dreams and personal desires. What we receive is so much greater than what we give. Being a custodian of dreams is far greater than just being a dreamer of dreams.

Another fulfilment of a dream occurred in our family this week as my sister and brother-in-law got 'THE call' from the adoption agency about their long-awaited for filipino son- his name is Sancho! We can't wait to meet him! God is so good. He puts dreams in our hearts and carries them to fulfilment.

I always dreamed, or desired to have four children. Even when I was ready to put aside my dream and be content with 3, God was at work making Zipporah. Now one dream is fulfilled, I guess its time to dream again! I am so glad that God's got dreams for me and will keep pushing me on to fulfil them even when I think what I have is 'enough'. It's amazing what will happen in our lives as we let God in to enlarge our vision and encompass our dreams.

Children are a blessing from the Lord.

Paranoid mum + Google = Panic stricken mum

It seems as though being paranoid is just par for the course when you become a mum. Yes there are varying degrees of it, but I think we all are guilty of over-reacting when it comes to the safety and health of our precious ones...

I know when Esther was first born I felt such a vulnerability. I couldn't handle listening to the news, the thought of evil in the world was too much to take with a tiny bundle to look after and I didn't want to be reminded of it more than necessary. I remember really struggling with fearful thoughts and imaginging awful scenarios happening to her. Trips to the wharf in Darwin were opportunities for me to resist my fear in a big way, the temptation to imagine falling off those railing-free edges dropping 5 or so metres into dark seas was almost too much to take (Darwin mums, you know what I am talking about!!). I really had to seek God's help in those months to find freedom from those haunting, tormenting and most often, irrational fears for her safety. I am grateful that I was indeed delivered from being consumed by such fears and they certainly have far less of a grip on me now then they once did...But, its a constant area to keep a watch on.

Google. Its your best friend and its your worst enemy mums. The internet can be so helpful to find connection, advice and support when you are at home with a little one, particularly when they are sick, or colicky and you need to know you aren't alone, you need advice and ideas to get through the night. REassurance that this is 'normal' or to know what to do next. However, there can be a dark side too. As those fears start creeping in that this fever might be more malicious than it first appeared and what could taht rash mean?.... We do what any self-respecting 21st century mum would do. WE get googling. I know there are lots of times that this can be helpful, but just as often it becomes a place where our worst nightmares are fed. The worst case scenarios come hunting us down like helpless prey. It's 11pm, we're tired, we're worried, we're irrational, suddenly it seems so convincing that our child's fever is not merely a 24 hour bug but the first signs of a terminal illness. Tears fill our eyes as we begin to imagine life without our child. How will we cope? What we will we do? OH WHY GOD WHY!!?? WE go in to give our child our child an overly-emotional kiss on the cheek to find the fever has dissipated with that last does of panadol...It's probably just nothing...Phew, that was a close one... You know what I am talking about mums! We've all been there!

I don't want to be trite because we all know that this is an imperfect world we live in, and for too many people this is a reality they are dealing with, and there is always a possibility that we could too, its not a totally irrational fear in that sense. But the point I am trying to make is that we too easily allow ourselves to be full of fear and jump to worst case scenarios, when we really don't have a good reason too and end up expending a lot of emotional energy that could be wisely invested elsewhere!

Recently I had Esther checked out by a specialist Peadeatrician. There had been a nagging issue with her that I wanted to ask someone in the know about, but had put it off until I had to go to the Dr. for another reason. So last round of anti-biotics I talked to the G.P and he gave me a referrall. Now, before going to this appointment with the Paed I had done some googling... The issue I had in mind came up with a whole assortment of possible causes and believe me, some were quite fear-inducing! Others were less scary but still had repercussions and I thought I may well have to dramatically alter Esther's diet... Anyway, the paedeatrician was great he did a throrough examination, asked a lot of questions, was brilliant with the kids and was able to answer my questions and bring some sanity- and expertise to the table. Yay. Although he acknowledged Esther had some abnormal symptoms there was no serious root cause that should concern us,it could be dealt with in a very simplistic way. I talked to him about some of my googling outcomes and he brushed most of them away as 'wives tales' and told me they had nothing to do with our situation. I can't tell you how refreshing it was to talk to someone who actually knew what they were on about! The problem with google is you never REALLY know if the information you have found is accurate and reliable and if it even applies to your situation! Until you have someone with credibility to look at your unique situation, its all just guess work, and with our paranoid minds on the task we can so easily end up 'guessing' that it is much more serious than we first thought. At the end of the day if we have an issue we are genuiniely concerned about its best to get advice from a reliable source rather than torment ourselves with all the possible 'what-ifs' that are out there.

Now, for $240 bucks a pop I don't think I will be heading down to see our lovely Paedeatrician just any ol time! But its great to know that when there is a serious concern there is a reliable sources of information out there, even if they do cost money!! (i did get $120 back from medi-care so its not TOO bad)

I know there is no easy way out for us as mums, we care so deeply and have so much invested in our children that thought of losing them or harm coming is so real and so over whelming at times, and for many of us there are very serious issues and conditions we have to deal with and face. However, I think it is important that we continue to fight off fear as it never really produces anything of value. I know this is basically impossible. The only way that I have found freedom from my fears is in trusting that I have a Father in heaven who ultimately loves my children more than me, that he has a plan and purpose for me and for them and even if the worst case scenarios DID occur I can trust that he will help me get through whatever situation I may face in life. It is in this knowledge that I can find peace in the face of temptation to fear and as the years have gone on I have found greater assurance of his love and more faith that he will never leave me or allow me to go through anything beyond which I can cope with. This is a blessed reassurance and If you share a faith in Jesus Christ I encourage you to remember his words in Matthew 6:34- Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. So ... Less  googling and more praying!

 If you do not know the comfort and assurance of the love of our heavenly father, I encourage you to consider his invitation. He invites us all to have fellowship with him, made available to us through the sacrifice of his son Jesus, who has conquered the grave- and with it our ultimate fears... 'death where is your victory? death where is your sting?' We need not fear death any more because he has overcome and taken away its fatal sting. I hope you can come to know the joy of this that I have and the incredible freedom from fear that comes with it, as we choose to embrace this reality more and more.

travel tips... :/

I emptied out my wallet today. It is a ridiculous and impractical wallet for a mother with three children and a growing number of loyalty cards. It was just so cute I couldn't resist, I have somewhat of a weakness for wallets... This one was a small hard cover wallet that has a clasp to open it, it has a  funky black, silver and rainbow leopard print that won me over- that and the $10 price tag. The main catch being you can fit about 2 cards comfortably in it...actually it was really more of an iphone cover than a wallet, but if you put the iphone in there, then there is  REALLY no room for anything else. Anyway, I digress! I shifted all the contents from the impractical wallet and was putting them in my brown leather, passport wallet, which I also love and purchased last year partly because it had different compartments, like a mini filing cabinet, which was perfect as we were utilising a cash only budget at the time. It also had the added benefit of being ready to go for our big family trip to Canada last year- a great way to keep all our passports and airplane tickets together and safe. Emptying out the passport wallet of all our now obsolete plane tickets and baggage receipts got me thinking back to our epic travels last year...
I had fully intended, on returning home to make my very first blog back in Australia choc full of great ideas, tips and strategies for travelling across the globe with three little ones, whilst staying sane! UGH. On our arrival back in the country, my sanity was hanging by a shred and the last thing I was going to do was to encourage anyone else to embark on the madness we had just returned from! Instead I sought to forget as quickly as possible the ordeal we had just survived. Blogging about it was not on my radar. Until now.

That passport wallet worked like a re-opened time capsule and the memories came back, now that there are a few months between us, and I am comfortably settled in a home that isn't going anywhere soon (and a family that isn't taking to the skies anytime soon) I feel ready to share some of the story with you.
Looking at the big picture of our 5 months living out of suitcases and in other people's homes and 11 flights in total, with our three children (5, 3 and 1 year old), really we did do pretty good all in all. Travelling over there we had our flight broken up by a three day stay in TianJian with Shane's sister and family and we were really welcomed so graciously by the many family and friends who took us in as we travelled around stunningly beautiful Alberta and British Columbia for a month. We also had the bonus of having Shane's parents join us for two weeks of that time which was a big help with the kids and great to have the company and support along the way. Once we were in Ontario we were pretty settled as we had a place to rent and could set up house for a few months.
The really hard part was travelling home. This time we didn't have the luxury of a few nights stay to break up our crossing of the globe. Unless of course you count the 8 hour stop over at Beijing between our two 11hour flights, I don't. The kids were such troopers, but you know, there is only so much anybody can take. The first 11 hour flight went by relatively well, the kids slept for over half the time and were kept somewhat occupied by the activities we had brought and the 'in-flight entertainment'. The inflight entertainment is in itself a major source of frustration. While I was grateful to have it at all, they were rather outdated. We, thankfully, were seated in the bulkhead row and so had the wall in front of us and therefore extra space, which really was awesome. However, this meant we had the videos of hte sort that are stored in the hand rest, these must be at least 10 years old and seem to have lost their ability to hold their position and kept flip flopping and falling over. Frustrating us and the children repeatedly. Also the manual controls to operate the video was difficult to figure out and difficult to use. half the time the buttons not responding, and there seemed to be about 15 selection steps before we got to the desired show, if you make a mistake, you start at the beginning again...ARGH! It took me literally 15 mins sometimes to select a show and get it going. Add to that it was a challenge to find something child suitable... Although we did have time to kill..
On the flight over we didn't have the personal videos and instead we had the communal video playing. which was fine when they showed suitable movies for children. However we had the difficult ordeal of trying to get our kids NOT to watch the violent and supernaturally scary 'Clash of the Titans' which was playing right in front of their faces. I have to say trying to get them to NOT watch something takes managaing children on a flight to a whole new level. That was a painful couple of hours.

11 hours, two meals and NO SNACKS! I don't think the China airline staff are particularly trained to assist families with children. I think they may have been overwhelmed and disapproving of the fact that we had so many. One thing was for sure, they weren't trying to do us any favours.

Hudson was entertaining himself by opening and shutting his window shade. fair enough I reckon, with the limited resources he has to play with and the fact he has woken up from a four hour sleep and it is broad daylight outside. Never mind the fact that it is day time at our place of departure and day time at our place of arrival....The window shades must remian down for another couple of hours!!! What?! Why?! So everyone else can continue to sleep while we go insane??!!! What do you want me to do with them?! Do you have any snacks?! Any toys?! anything!!!?????? HELP ME!!!! I was beginning to unravel at this point and I think I was ready to burst into tears when she told me this. That feeling of someone having utterly no empathy for your situation and offering no assistance, can leave you feeling very... alone.

At this point in the flight we had about 7 hours to go. The kids were done with sleeping. The girls were manageable in their whiny-ness but Hudson... Well, he was another story. He wasn't happy being held, he wasn't happy on the ground sitting. He was screamy/crying half the time, which only increased in intensity as time went on and there seemed little we could do to stop  him. The count down began. Shane and I started taking turns, walking him up and down the plane, taking him to the toilet, letting him stand on the change table in there, look in the mirror, put on moisturiser... 'Ok that was 14 mins Shane, your turn'. and so it went on like this...in tiny time increments, at no point did time fly by. WE. FELT. EVERY. MINUTE. In vain I tried a few times to hold him, to rock him to sleep for another nap that would give us some short relief. But this was exhausting and hopeless. We continued to count down. The pain of these hours I would equate with labour, seriously. A few times I would go beyond the curtain to the 1st class area, in which there was NO ONE seated, here I would try to rock Hudson, or at least try and give the other passengers a little respite from his crying. I got some disapproving looks from flight attendants, but I was beyond caring. I can't remember all the little things we attempted to keep him happy, few of them worked. IN between this we were helping the girls with their impossible video players and trying to rustle up food from the non compliant staff. Trying not to take out our frustratoin on each other. AT this I failed at most of the time.

One time earlier in flight, while the girls were both sleeping- Char was actually asleep on shane's lap. I was desperately trying to get Hudson back to sleep, Shane had his eyes closed, peaceful, resting. It infuriated me. I stood, glaring at him. He understood my glares and looked at me, imploring rationality. I know it made no sense. what could he do? He had a sleeping child on his lap! How could he help me? It just seemed so UNFAIR! Oh where goes that selfless love, for me it had vanished.

Eventually the hours and minutes passed by and we were preparing to land. Getting off that plane was like heaven. Oh the relief and the joy! BEing released from that metal prison, stepping out into the sunshine of a Melbourne sunny day...being greeted by dear friends... sigh...bliss...

And so what can I say? It's possible to travel overseas with three small children... but be prepared, I don't believe there is an easy way to do it. In the end its one of those times in life where you just have to bear it... I am glad we did it, and really for the most part the kids did really well, and it was a success overall, but it is a big challenge and one you want to have your eyes wide open for. Try to remember that your husband is not your enemy in this venture, but your team mate and try to be supportive and gracious of one another, and try to laugh at the things that make you want to cry.

As hard as that flight coming home was, I feel we accomplished something great in making this venture to Canada and back. The times we had as a family and the cherished friends we made were more than worth the (short term) pain we experienced in our travels. I am so grateful for the opportunity we had to do this, and grateful for all we learned as we were STRETCHED in this process! For those attempting something similar, my prayers are with you! :) I am glad we did not let the fact we had children stop us from going on this adventure, it did make it more of a challenge but it also made the experience that much richer.

Meanwhile I am utilising my passport wallet, minus the passports and that is fine by me...for now... ;)

Precious friends made...priceless!
Zoey and Esther at school in Canada.

It is for freedom.

I am just completing a fantastic parenting book called 'Loving our kids on purpose' by Danny Silk. It's really challenged and excited me in my approach to parenting, so I was keen to share a little of what I have gleaned from the reading of it. It offers quite a paradigm shift.

The main premise of the book is that our role as parents is not to CONTROL our children. We cannot control another human being, including our children! On one hand it seems obvious to say that but I think most parents operate out of a mind set that says 'I should be able to control my child' and there is a lot of guilt, frustration and anger that comes as a result of that belief. It is possible to lead, guide and instruct our children without resorting to the use of anger and the fear of punishment as the primary tools.

By the way there is someone who we must control, and that is ourselves! One quote that stuck out to me in this book was the statement 'as parents our goal should be remaining a loving respectful parent at all times, no matter what our child does'. Thats a challenging call! We have enough to worry about keeping ourselves under control, let alone trying to force others to do our will. Let's demonstrate the self-control we want to see in them, let's lead by example! (Ouch!!)

This is something I have really been convicted of in the past, but haven't heard it articulated so well. I have understood that as a parent I shouldn't let my children's poor choices, whether it be disobedience or disrespect, ruin my day or my mood. I should remain in control of my emotions and respond to them calmly with suitable consequences, which mean they bear the brunt of their bad choices, not I. They should be learning to do the right thing because they are understanding that THEY choose their actions and therefore their consequences. Its not a matter of them testing the waters, or seeing how much they can get away with on any given day depending how angry mummmy is, or isn't. They should learn to obey not out of fear of my anger or punishment, but out of an understanding of their freedom and the consequneces they create.

My constant battle is being quick and creative with coming up with logical consequences and choices to offer them in the moment. That is the hard part for me. If I can't find a good choice or logical consequence under pressure its very easy to revert to frustration and anger to get my way with them. I am really trying to work out the best way to put this theory into practice with a toddler, as he is not really at the understanding choices that are verbalised (however I think actions can speak louder than words and he is still capable of learning some of these lessons now).

However, a couple successes we have had in recent day with our older two is with the whole room cleaning saga. I am sure we aren't the only ones who battle to get the kids to take responsibility to keep their room tidy! I have had quite a few stressful, frustrated times at trying to motivate my girls to tidy up. With little results. After applying some of the concepts out of this book we have adjusted our appraoch.

After they failed to choose (after being asked to) tidy up one evening before bed, I alerted them to the fact that the next morning there would be no breakfast until the room was clean. It got a reaction straight away, which was good as I knew we had hit the mark!
"Aw! but I will be hungry!! YOU CAN'T do that!" Said Esther with determined defiance.
"Well its up to you, you can eat as soon as you clean the room." I said with great calm.
Oh the awesomeness of this consequence, it was so sweet to see it taking its desired affect. :)

The girls are really hungry in the morning and after some protesting and realising I was unmmoved and the choice was in THEIR hands now; They got to work, got the job done and I didn't get angry OR frustrated! It was sweet to pass over the responsibilty and be able to leave it in their hands and see them stand up to the task.Score!

Last night we did soemthing similar; they could have some dessert, only when their room was tidy. At first Esther sounded as though she would be willing to pass up dessert to continue having free time, but when she saw her sister scurry off to start cleaning, the thought of missing out on dessert while her sister was rewarded was obviously too much! She ran off shortly after. We also set a time limit, 20 minutes. They actually did an AMAZING job! at 13 minutes they had done a very satisfactory clean, but Shane suggested they take the extra few minutes to really finsih it off. they began cleaning UNDER the table in their room!! Unheard of! thats usually where they shove stuff in their tidy up! So impressed. They worked together happily and it was such a great feeling to see them getting the job done without constant hounding. It really was liberating for me, and I hope for them too. I can really see them beginning to take greater pride in their own space, and responsibility for it.

We are also throwing a star chart into the mix, so if they have their room tidy in the morning, of their own volition, WITHOUT being asked, they will get a star. Every 10 starts will be a reward and at the end of 100 stars we are planning to get their room painted. I think that is a logical reward, look after your room, you get a nicer room!

So it's exciting to have a little success and to be able to step back and see the ideas of responsibilty choices and consequences sink in. I don't want to take on board my childrens problems as my problems and allow them to frustrate and stress me out. I want them to learn to take respoinsibilty and the only way to do that is, not nagging, not lecturing- but by giving choices and consequences that make sense and also give them a sense of freedom. No one likes to be forced. I don't think we need to use force. Most of our kids are pretty bright cookies, they will begin to choose wisely pretty quickly given clear and appropriate consequences.

The dangers of parenting by force, anger and fear of punishment is that you only have children obeying outwardly, while inwardly their hearts may be getting bitter and resentful to your forceful control. Once they get older and discover the reality that you REALLY don't have any control over them, they are much more likely to use their newly discovered freedom to make poor choices; ones  that will hurt you and them.

We have to learn to let go and teach tehm while they are little how to handle their freedom. After all it is what God made  us for. He loves us so much, but he never controls us, never forces us. He offers us choices and clear consequences "I set before you life and death, choose life" (that one seems like a no-brainer but you'd be surprised!) He encourages us with love and compassion to choose wisely. We need to do likewise with our children. Don't be afraid of your children's bad choices. God isn't afraid of yours. He has a plan no matter what we choose and we need to have wisdom to offer the same for our kids. Not reacting out of fear and anger when we realise that we don't really have control, but still grasp for it. Know that you aren't in control already, and teach and guide with that understanding.

It is for freedom tha Christ has set us free,
So we mustn't be heavy handed and controlling with our children, we must teach them to live well in the freedom they have, to use their OWN SELF-CONTROL, as that is what we all must ultimately learn to do. Let's also lead by example by seeking to stay loving and respectful to them at all times. I for one know that I need supernatural help to achieve that one! So glad that I have it.

ps. I wish someone would give me a star chart for keeping my room clean.... ;)

The more the Merrier (!?)

Well, I am on a bit of a theme here, so I am going to just keep right on going with it! Just yesterday I received a FB message from a lovely mother of two. She has a 'niggling' desire for a third child but is not sure whether or not to take the plunge. She wrote to ask a few of us mums, of three or more, what our thoughts were on transitioning from two- three children and how we could afford it/stay sane/get sleep/have a career etc. etc! I think that it's always an honour and delight to be asked for one's opinion! So, presumptiously presuming that others will also be interested in my thoughts on these matters I thought it would make a good blog post. I would Love to hear thoughts and advice (as I am sure so would my friend) of other mother's of three + children on how they live/cope/survive with their brood!

As far as transitioning from two to three kids, I personally found it probably the easiest so far. I know a lot of people who have found it to be a difficult one though. I was quite apprehensive about becoming a mother, and then I was a little anxious to go from one to two children, but after that I thought; "it worked out and I managed the first two times, with God's help, why should this time be any different  ?" and so I honestly didn't give it much thought and figured I would just roll with the punches. Nothing for it at that point! Turned out Hudson was probably the easiest baby of the lot. He has such a delightful personality and is a good sleeper (though I really have been blessed with great sleepers all round).

Sleep is such a vital need for mother and child and if sleep becomes a struggle for one or both (usually if it's one, it's both!) it can totally alter the scenario. I know for my friend in question she had a very challenging time of it with her first with colic/sleep issues. So I can totally understand hesitation going for a third. However, I have heard from SO many people about how amazing third children are! I don't know what it is but they somehow seem to KNOW they need to not make things too hard for their mums!! Or maybe its the grace of God? Anyway I am SURE there are exceptions to this, but it does seem to be surprisingly common!

Another factor that can make it easier transitioning to three than you might anticipate is your experience. Third time around you have that much more perspective and numerous little strategies that you have already developed for coping! Though sleep might be a problem for another year or so, at least you know what you are in for this time! You have more confidence in your role and I think that definitely helps. Also having older children, though they demand and have their own challenges, can be amazingly helpful with newborns and it is such a blessing for them to learn to care, and be responsible for a younger sibling or two, and it really does enrich their lives, and the entire family.

Career? I am perhaps not a good one to ask about this as I never attempted to juggle both and have been happy (and we've made it work financially) to be at home full time. I am sure many others can offer great thoughts and advice on how they manage both family life and career. No doubt it certainly does become more difficult to manage a career with each child that is added to the family and if it is really important to you to have both I guess it has to be seriously considered. My main advice on this is to make sure you look into the government support you would receive if you were to totally give up your income, as it might surprise you how much support is available, good to do the research there.

Affordability? Pfft! Who says raising kids has to be expensive? Ultimately it's a lifestyle choice and there are so many ways to save, it's really a matter of personal desire how little or much you end up spending. Of course it is going to be more money to have another mouth to feed, but I don't think its as much as the media seems to lead us to believe. A lot of the potential cost is to do with schooling. If private schooling is a high priority for your family it may well be prudent to keep the family smaller. There are so many good public schools out there though. We are really happy so far with our public school experience (ok, we are only in term 2 of Esther's first year, but still! So far, so good!) On the other hand, the more kids you have the more reductions you get on the cost of schooling them, if you do choose private... I believe in most private schools the fourth child is free!! Four for the price of three! Woo! I mean if you are going to have three you might as well have four...Bargain! 

Mental Health?! I really think this is such an important issue for mum's to talk about and understand. I believe this is probably the PRIMARY reason that does hold people back from having more. As important or pressing as financial issues and all that are, I think the biggest question is 'can I mentally/emotionally cope with more children?' and I think it is a really good question to ask. Honestly the answer would have to be; 'I dont know'. None of us really know what we are going to be able to cope with until we are dealing with it, and I think it may be a leap of faith to a degree. Some days I cope, some days I don't. As I look back over the last few years I can see how my capacity has increased (as it had to!) If you struggle in this area it's really good to talk it all over with your partner and maybe even your doctor as you consider 'going to the next level' parenting wise. You need to know the support is there, if you are struggling.

I really don't think I would have coped at all without having God in my life. He really is my source of strength and constant encouragement. Any time I feel like I have failed or am a failure at being a mum, I know he has been there to give me the ability and wisdom I need (not to mention PATIENCE!!) to get back up again. His mercies truly are new every morning and one thing I do know- with him ALL things are possible! For me, I have found this journey of motherhood so exciting because he has taken me from a place of doubting I could even be a mother of one, to realising I can not only be a mum to one, but to (almost!) four!! I have been a pretty pitiful housekeeper for the most part, and had many 'off days' along the way mentally, but through it all I have learnt that as I call out for God's help he ANSWERS me! He helps me at the things I suck at! He helps me to have motivation to do one more task and he is so generous with me to allow me to be the mother of these gorgeous children! Even though he knows that on so many days I am not really up to the task, he still entrusts me with them! It's this knowledge that keeps pushing me onwards and upwards. It is reassuring to know that in my weakness he is strong.

Seriously, I could go on all day about how much God has helped me to be a mum (and a good one I hope!) not just to SURVIVE but to THRIVE! It IS possible. I love the challenge of parenting, of being pushed beyond what I think I am capable of. It hurts but its a good kind of hurt, you know what I mean. My life is being used up for something so worthy. I love it. And if God is gracious enough to allow me to parent more children, if HE thinks I am up to the task? Well, then all other reasons of why I think I shouldn't be, fade into the background.

I love the mystery of the fact that we have this freedom to choose, in a sense, (though not always) when we 'stop' or when we continue to bear children. Yet intertwined into that is the mystery of God's divine will. At the end of the day I reckon, if you desire more children, and you are able, and your partner is in agreement (thats an important part of the equation!!) go for it!!!

When all is said and done and after all the reasons why having another child is impractical, unaffordable, irresponsible and perhaps a little crazy- but if your heart still desires another child to love, all the cons in the world can be outweighed by the single 4kg(or so!) lump of life you hold in your arms. Love has its reasons that reason knows not of. A new member to the family is an ENRICHMENT. I say, 'the more the merrier!'

:) So maybe next post I will switch to a new topic and stop shouting to the world my excitment about having my family enlarged and the great blessing that I believe children (always) are...Then again perhaps not!

Congratulations?!

Before I commence this post in earnest, I must comment on my long absence. It has been too long and for those who are faithful to read this blog, thank you for coming back! Its rather ironic (hopefully the right word to use, sometimes I am not quite sure about that one..) that my last post was called 'Enlarge' about the great blessedness of having children, only to discover shortly after posting, that I am 'with child' once again! And I am once more becoming very much 'enlarged' with every passing day ha ha! I am grateful that I had the revelation that I shared about last post as it has really enabled me to be totally excited and embracing of this little 'surprise' package! For those of you who have been pregnant before and experienced the doldrums that are the first trimester, little else needs to be said about my lack of writing inspiration, so I will cease with unnecessary excuses!!

Its a funny thing, announcing your fourth pregnancy. Its really becoming less common to have a family of four. Two is quite normal and three as well, thats all fine, but four? Well, I think it might be getting a little extreme. It's just interesting to observe different people's reactions to my 'state' the fourth time around. I think there is a hesitancy, a question mark, 'was this planned?' (surely not!). Should I say 'Congratulations'? I don't know...IS it GOOD news? Perhaps not...It's definitely more of a mixed bag this time around.

A friend was telling me how her neigbour dropped in and bad mouthed another neighbour who very irresponsibly was burdening the world with yet another child (her fourth), horrific! I mean, selfishly taken up all those resources in just one family? There should be laws against that.  I find this attitude quite stunningly ignorant. The problem with the world is not a lack of resources but the selfishness and corruption that exists preventing a fair sharing of those resources. I for one intend to do all in my power to raise children who will fight against such trends. I do hope that my children will not merely be 'using up precious resources' but using their gifts, talents, personalities, abilities to seek the good of others and to give justice to those who have had it withheld. I think we could do with a whole lot more of those kinds of people in the world. If your vision for your children is limited to seeing only what resources they will USE UP rather than what they will GIVE BACK, then by all means, dont have any! But perhaps there are people in the world who have a little more hope for the generation to come, the generation they are helping to raise. Yes I believe that I do.

You know what? A new life is ALWAYS good news. I myself have fallen into the trap of doubting this at times, or failing to reflect this reality to others. A friend of mine that was pregnant told me her news in a hesitant, cautious sort of way (due to the fact she had had previous losses). I know she was scared to get her hopes up, scared of another loss. Her cautious announcement caused me to feel hesitant, not wanting to be over-exuberant, wanting to protect her, not wanting to get her too excited, in case- as she feared- she would lose another. I did congratulate her but I was low-key. I realised later that I had hurt her by doing so. By failing to do my part, as her friend, to rejoice in this wonderful good news. I had the opportunity to lift her up and to rejoice, to be one of the first to celebrate this new life. I could have helped her to see in the midst of her fears there was something good at work and she was blessed to be a part of it. Instead, in my own fear, I took my cues from her, reflecting her caution. It's a natural thing to do in many ways, and often that is what we want from our friends, but there are times- when we have the opportunity to herald a new life and to help the mother to embrace the joy of it all. When given this chance, take it with your whole heart and let HIS perfect love cast out all fear.

There are so many reasons to fear, and yes we suffer loss. The grief is hard to bear for those who have lost precious ones before ever having a chance to hold them in their arms. But still, life is GOOD and when it is there, even briefly, let us celebrate it, let us say 'congratualtions' without a hint of caution. And even if the mother is overwhelmed, in tears , not sure how she feels about it (nothing unusual there, or shameful by the way!). How beautiful and how powerful is the role of a friend at moments like these? She can offer perspective and truth- that life is a blessing and to be the carrier of life a great honour, even if you don't feel like it is in that moment. To hear the truth spoken in love can be just what another mother needs to be able to embrace a new life herself.

Here's to new life! :)

(ps. the picture is quite an old one, taken when I was pregnant with Charlotte and Esther was not yet two)

Enlarge!

When I was a teenager I dreamed of my future a lot. I wondered what 'big' things I might do, who I would become. I wondered what God had in store for me, my gifts and talents, how my full potential might be realised. I imagined myself accomplishing greatness, serving my King in a grand fashion in a way that would make my life seem full of meaning and purpose.

The years have worn by, and now my days are filled with mothering children. Part of me wonders what happend to my days of youth and the mighty exploits I imagined would fill them?What did I achieve in my youthful zeal? My days of youth are sorely numbered! I kinda wonder, did God NOT need me to accomplish great brilliance? Did I miss something along the way? Is my opportunity for greatness fading as the light of my children's world rises?

I have secretly wondered these things. Secretly chaffed against the limitations my world of parenting has brought upon me. I am one who hates to 'miss out'. I want to be a part of the action, I want to be on the battle lines of this spiritual war, to stand on the watch towers overlooking my generation and hail the coming King. To raise the sword of the Spirit and cut to the heart with His words of truth. Have I missed my chance? Did I fail to obey him at some point in the past? Has he past on my role to another?

These questions have lurked in my mind, unspoken, undisturbed, now and then haunting me with their quiet taunts and fears. But lately I have begun to challenge them. To realise my perspective on reality, not least of all my perspective on what 'greatness' really is, are both fundamentally flawed.

I first became aware of my own private well-kept lies , as it often is, when I heard them echoed by another. You hear it in the question a mother asks as she awaits the birth of her first child. Though excited and elated and terrfied and overjoyed the question lingers...'is this it then? my dreams, my hopes, will they begin to die as this new life begins?' and 'I must sacrifice myself for the sake of my child. They will be first and I will become second'.

It is joked about and playfully(and seriously!) warned 'travel the world first!' 'get to know each other before you have kids' 'establish your career first', 'buy a house, get economically stable'.

Though there is wisdom in some of this advice, not all of us have the luxury of planning when our babies will push their way into existence! And when we have failed to tick of that great list of 'things to do before I become a mother' and discover, sooner than we ever imagined, motherhood is upon us; what then? Those hopes, desires, dreams...what do we do with those things now?

As I pondered on this fear expressed, fear of being unable to DO those things we desire to do, fear that in giving life we will give too much of ourselves I realised I have felt those same things but when spoken aloud I knew it immediately for what it was. A lie.

Yes mothers, we do well to sacrifice our life for another. We lay down our dreams to lift up the dreams of our child. It makes me think of the verse 'unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it can bear no fruit'. In bearing the fruit of the womb something of us as an individual DOES die, but it is not a death that ends buried in the ground! Joy of joys, our 'death' into motherhood is the most remarkable beginning of new life, not only for our child but for US!

Becoming a mother is not the death of dreams and hopes and desires it is the BIRTH of them! IT is the expansion and multiplication of all our hearts desire beginning to take root on this earth in a greater capacity than we COULD DREAM OF! When God blesses us with the privilege of bringing new life into this earth our world is NOT being diminished, it is being EXPANDED!

Though for a time it seems the walls of our world have been reduced; we spend so much time stuck behind those four walls, alone with our offspring wondering if we will make it through the day with sanity intact! But it is in these moments of difficulty of weakness, that our flaws are being exposed, giving us the opportunity, not easily afforded, to understand how deep our need of Him is. Blessed are the poor in spirit as my dear Lord Jesus once said. Being poor in Spirit is not a good thing unless it leads (as it is meant to) to the feet of our creator.

It's time to allow our dreams to grow bigger than they were in the days of our youth. Now they encompass not just us, but our children and our husbands and our community...the World! So let those dreams go, God has bigger and better ones for you. You may find a peek into his wonderful plan as you look into those beautiful little faces that have been given their life through yours.

Dream on!

"Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes." Isaiah 54:1-3

(This blog post is dedicated to Jess and Matt as they welcome little Rupert into the world. Your life just got bigger!! Congratulations xoxo)